One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

WHEN I first saw the Eddie Murphy film Coming to America, I remarked ‘A handsome prince and some silly student? Preposterous!’.

But here we are in 2011 realising for the first time that life truly does mimic art. And, as ever, I’m here to offer advice to those who might be stressing about the big day.

The biggest worry for most is what to wear on your head. Rumours abound that Sam Cam won’t wear a hat. This is worrying for everyone involved, especially God as he prefers ladies to wear hats or balaclavas when they are in his house.

And for Carla Bruni, the dilemma is even worse: God has recently set even stricter legislation about what French ladies can and can’t place on their heads. She understands correctly that cycle helmets and carnival masks are still acceptable and is working flat out to find something suitable. My good friend, Colin, went to Mardi-Gras wearing a really wonderful Ronald Reagan mask. It was a super accessory, but Carla must be careful not to upstage the bride.

Naturally, Harry will be dressed by fellow bachelor, Galliano. Everyone knows these remarks are too often taken out of context and surely we can now understand it was all in good fun. Whether it’s Harry’s ‘Pakis’ or Galliano’s ‘Jews’ – they’re all the same on the inside.

And of course the issue of ethincity bring us to the welcome decision to ringfence the number of ‘fiery redheads’. Knowing Sarah Ferguson like I do, I imagine she’ll be spitting teeth at drawing the short straw, but ultimately Sarah is stoic about the facts of life. Genes like hers are notoriously difficult to eradicate and the last thing Kate needs to see upon entering the church is a nightmarish throng of ‘Jimmy Hats’.

Kate’s exotic genes will be a welcome injection into William’s blood line after centuries of the ‘uncle-loving menace’. A shake up is long overdue and I for one can’t wait to see the royal eyes move back over into the correct position.

Of course, the biggest dilemma at a church wedding is whether to go with hymns or risk upsetting God with something by Gary Glitter or Elton John. Might I suggest my favourite He’s got the Whole World in His Hands? It literally has over a hundred verses and there aren’t many occasions where a song can be true of both God and the groom. I know William will especially enjoy the 27th verse ‘He’s got Saint Kitts and Nevis, in His hands!’. Even the Queen won’t be able to resist clapping along like some kind of jolly little Baptist.

Alternatively, Kate might want to perform a rendition of the Whitney ballad I Will Always Love You. My cousin had this at his wedding and what the bride lacked in pitch, she more than made up for with knowledge of the English language. At the key change there wasn’t a dry eye in the house and if Kate gives it a bit of welly, it’ll surely be the highlight of her magical day.

Wedding video maker sued for accurate portrayal of tedious day

A CAMERAMAN faces legal action after failing to make a wedding look better than it actually was.

Professional videographer Tom Logan was paid to document Louise Malley’s seemingly endless celebrations at an Oxfordshire country house.

But when the bride and her husband Stephen received the 90-minute tape, it contained only a depressingly accurate portrayal of an event that was enjoyed solely by the bride and the bride’s grandmother.

Mrs Malley said: “The video just makes it look like a lot of uncomortable people in an over-priced room doing something they’d rather not.

“All I wanted was for it to look like the single most amazingly magical, fairy-dust sprinkled event in recorded human history and for my arse to look small.

“I’ll have the fucker’s house for this.”

But Logan said: “There is a clause in my contract that clearly states you cannot polish a turd.

“Most of these things are on a sliding scale between grinding mediocrity and stab-yourself-in-the-heart-with-a-fork tedium.

“Perhaps the next time Mrs Malley gets married she won’t spunk all the money on a venue she can’t afford and then expect a hundred people to share a dozen bottles of antiseptic-grade white wine.”

He added: “Experts agree that the secret to a magical celebration of everlasting love is a shit ton of free booze.

“And skip the disco as well. Load of piss.”