Last Night's TV, With Parker From Thunderbirds

Hi don’t mind tellin’ you hit hain’t heasy gettin’ the night awf, but Lady Penelope bein’ the gracious woman what she is says to me: “If you really must slob around in your ghastly track suit bottoms watching the television then be my guest, Parker. But I insist you switch it awf by 11.30, and don’t forget to leave the back door open so Raul the gardener can get in.” Hevery night this Raul bloke comes in hand they ‘ave a long meeting where I Raul recommends some new shrubs for the garden and then M’Lady hagrees with ‘im at the top of ‘er voice for a couple of ‘ours. All very hamicable.

Hafter making dinner for M’Lady, Hi settle down in front of HeastHenders hon BBC1. Hit’s the heveryday tale of simple folk what live in Halbert Square. ‘Blimey’, Hi remember thinking to meself – ‘what’s ‘appened to Roly the Dawg and Big Ron what works in the market?’ Hand me favourite character, Mary the Punk, hain’t nowhere to be seen. Still, that’s what ‘appens when you get one night off hevery 23 years.

Next hup was Sex Hand The City hon Channel 4. This week, the one ‘oo sits around in her knickers typin’ ‘ad it awf with some bloke and then went to a fashion show. Then the old one took ‘er knickers awf and showed her lady parts to this bloke what ‘ad come round to fix ‘er ‘eating. M’Lady would never do such a thing – ‘owever I did once haccidentally drill a hole in the wall of the bathroom and caught sight of ‘er undressed. Hunlike the woman in Sex Hand the City, ‘er front bottom was covered in ‘airs like what a proper lady’s bits hought to be.

After all four of them ‘ad ‘ad it awf for the third time in twenty minutes, they met up for lunch, but didn’t eat hanything and just sat around talkin’ habout doin’ it with hother ladies and what they called ‘hexperimentation’, whatever that is when it’s at ‘ome. The only ‘hexperimentation’ what Hi’ve ever come across is the type my old chum Brains does in ‘is posh laboratory. Hi remember that time ‘e came around to fix M’Lady’s funny-lookin’ plastic thing she keeps in the drawer by ‘er bed. She keeps one in the glove compartment ‘n’ all.

Hanyway, the rest of the night was spent tryin’ to watch me Mad Men boxset over the bleedin’ racket coming from M’Lady’s room. That Raul doesn’t ‘alf know ‘ow to choose the right bush.

Aquilani Loaned To Italian Jigsaw Enthusiast

ALBERTO Aquilani has been loaned to Juventus after manager Luigi Delneri revealed himself to be a keen jigsaw collector.

The Liverpool midfielder has struggled to hold down a regular place in the side since the lid from his box went missing. He was sidelined for two months after half of his leg disappeared, eventually turning up in a kitchen drawer in the Anfield canteen.

Delneri said: “We’ve got him for 12 months and I hope to have the edges of his head finished by Christmas. I think we got a bargain because Liverpool kindly threw in a Kerplunk with half the straws missing.”

It has been a busy summer in the transfer window for Liverpool as manager Roy Hodgson off-loaded Rafael Benitez’s final batch of signings including the eight marmosets the Spaniard was trying to train as both defenders and electricians.

Meanwhile defensive midfielder Javier Mascherano is currently into his 18th day of holding his breath until they let him move to Barcelona.

Hodgson has also signed goalkeeper Brad Jones from Middlesbrough, primarily for his experience of playing football in the Championship ‘for reasons that will become increasingly apparent as the months go on’.

But the biggest surprise is Liverpool managing to hold on to Fernando Torres, with all of the major club managers deciding they no longer want to take him as their lover.

Chelsea’s Ian Ancelotti said: “When he was blonde, he was sort of like a cross between a newborn deer and Paris Hilton and made for some very wonderful dreams.

“But now he just looks like a big dirty boy. No thank you.”