Christopher Walken remembers the 1982 World Snooker Championships

DIDDLY-dee! diddily-dee! That’s the sound the wheels on a train make – diddly-dee! diddly-dee! I hate that noise, I hate it almost as much as I do Adam Sandler movies, so I pulled the emergency chord above my head, bringing the 12.57 from King’s Cross to Sheffield, shuddering to a halt.

The guard walks up to me, and I roll a big lump of individual fruit pie around my mouth and spit it out at his feet. I was on my way to the Embassy World Snooker Finals, and the last thing I needed was this sorry asshole busting my chops.

I took my place in the theater to watch my favourite player Perry Mans play the Big Bill Werbeniuk. Not many people know this, but Bill Werbeniuk was slated to play the role of Steven (John Savage eventually landed the part) in The Deer Hunter. Bobby D and myself were big fans of Bill's, but sadly, he couldn’t take the part owing to prior commitments in the Hofmeister Doubles. Damn the Hofmeister Doubles tournament played at the Wembley Conference Centre – goddamn it to hell!

I remember vividly, the final day of the 1982 World Championships. It was a bright day in Sheffieldborough, and all my money was on the Irish guy, Alex Higgins. I remember thinking that I must do something to ensure my money was safe. The night before the play-offs, I bumped into Alex in the local Spud-u-Like – I was getting bolognaise sauce on mine, he was getting advocaat and gin on his. That Welsh asshole Ray Reardon was sitting at a table in the corner, sipping on a cup of tea – 'sip-sip-sip' – like the Dracula-hairstyled blowjob he was.

I looked Reardon in the eye and said: "Hey asshole, do you realise that Welsh people are spawned by the English…it's true, you see one day an English guy with a monocle wearing a top hat stuck his dick in your grandmother, and she gave birth to your Dad, and now you’re here. What can I say, it’s true…your ancestors are English, you faggot."

I think my little trick worked, because the next day the Welsh guy played like someone had stuck a cue up his ass, and he lost 18-15. After the match, I had a meeting with Cubby Broccoli and agreed to be in the worst James Bond film ever made – period.

as told to Matt Owen