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Working mums wondering if they can put children back inside them

WOMEN juggling paid work, childcare and homeschooling are wondering if they can stick their children back into their wombs.

With the burden of domestic chores falling disproportionately on women, many mothers are considering whether to ‘de-birth’ their offspring in order to cope with the demands of the current crisis.

Eleanor Shaw, a marketing consultant, said: “Should I keep doing a shit job at homeschooling and an even shitter job at my actual job, or should I pop Henry and Olivia back up inside me until the global situation calms?

“I love my children but having them on the outside of my body is completely unworkable at the moment.”

Nikki Hollis, a full-time data analyst commented: “As a mum, you constantly fear you’re making the wrong decision for your child by sending them to a school out of catchment or re-wombing them during a pandemic.

“But I brought Lukas into the world, so I should be free to re-ingest and then release him when there are more people on hand to help me.”

Birdsong, embroidery and other simple joys that are shit compared to the pub

BRITONS are returning to wholesome pursuits such as listening to owls hoot and sewing quilts with the enthusiasm of people who have given up on the idea of fun. Try these: 

Get into cross-stitch

This fiddly thread-based activity will help you slow down and focus on the present, in which you are probably stabbing yourself with a needle. It is also a wonderful way to creatively measure out the tedious passing of your life, one tiny – and probably wrong – stitch at a time.

Grow vegetables

Any form of gardening is calming, and taps into the deep-seated human desire to stare at mud and wonder if there is cat poo in it. There is apparently great pleasure to be found in convincing yourself you will want to eat the one marrow you manage to grow this year.

Study birdsong

What better way to appreciate nature than by learning the individual songs of the creatures who shit all over the car you rarely drive at the moment? Take even more fun out of this pastime by getting up before dawn, since that is the ideal time to listen to the feathery little idiots.

Walking

Some of the greatest minds in history have enjoyed walking, but then they didn’t have streaming platforms, did they? Wander lonely as a cloud like Wordsworth, until someone shatters your peace with a potential Covid-sneeze and you run home to Ozark.

Pickle food

Some people are getting into preserving food, although some people also commit murder or buy tickets to see We Will Rock You, so you must never believe that anyone knows what they are doing. Ingesting a jar of vinegary vegetables probably can’t make the lockdown that much worse than it already is.

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