WHETHER physical or digital, Hannah’s birthday card is on its way to you and you have to pretend you know who the f**k Hannah is. Use these ploys:
Happy happy birthday!
It’s cute, it’s whimsical, and it’s increasing the wordcount by 50 per cent already. You could gamble on ‘Have the happiest of birthdays’, but if she doesn’t know you it makes you seem like Arwen from Lord of the Rings handing down a quest.
Have a great day!
Another useful real-estate-filling sentence that means nothing to you, the recepient, or whichever nosy bugger’s reading the whole card. Helps you stand out from the pack who presumably want her to have a miserable day, which if she’s working she will be.
Put your feet up – you deserve it!
This one’s complex, as it suggests a playful in-joke between the pair of you from all of those wonderful conversations you’ve never had. Check first to make sure she’s not that lazy bitch but no, that’s Leanne.
Thank you for all that you do
Very sincere, considerate and, crucially, vague. What is it that Hannah does? Why would you know or care? Generously you assume she’s making a contribution, and show your appreciation by making a nothing statement in a card she’ll never read.
Let’s catch up soon!
Now you’ve got her on the back foot. Hardly going to quibble about your wording when she’s wondering what kind of freak she met at the office party is coming to her desk, is she? So much to catch up on: who she is, what she looks like…
Your name
Sign big. No matter what your relationship with Hannah, you know who you are. And if you’re packing a three-plus syllable nomenclature it can really fill the space. Make it as unreadable as possible to foment further confusion.
Smiley faces
Style it out with the full emoji keyboard. From confetti to dancing salsa ladies, you can look like a veritable rolling party to whoever’s signing after you. Because that’s who you’re there to impress because you don’t bloody know her.
