ARE you a massive sexual pervert? These careers will give you ample opportunity to indulge your seedy tastes under the guise of professionalism.
Shop mannequin dresser
Perfect for the weirdo who can’t cope with real relationships. Inanimate mannequins make very undemanding girlfriends, and they’re certainly not going to complain about your choice of fussy sexy underwear for them. Just remember not to leave any in compromising positions, eg. doggystyle. Yes, small minds may call you a pervert, but if you weren’t meant to jizz on shop dummies they wouldn’t have made Mannequin with Kim Cattrall.
Window cleaner
In any other walk of life, shinning up a ladder and staring into someone’s bedroom would get you arrested, but for you, it’s an essential part of your profession. Who knows what erotic delights await? Perhaps a pair of sweaty briefs ten feet away behind triple glazing. Phwoar. There’s only really one downside of the job: frosted glass in the bathroom.
Marriage guidance counsellor
Their sex life is nonexistent, which means you can ask about every detail of their shagging before everything went tits up. Leave no stone unturned. What positions used to work for you? Did he give you shuddering, earth-moving orgasms before you realised you hated him? Get them to ‘make a physical commitment to each other’ by kissing, right there in front of you. Just ask the odd question about if they feel ‘valued’ or who does all the domestic chores and they’ll never notice you’re a filthy voyeuristic sod.
University lecturer
Freshers are naive, impressionable young things, so some will bizarrely be attracted to a haggard middle-aged tutor because you know a lot about bloody Beowulf, which is shit compared to Lord of the Rings. Tell the attractive ones their work shows promise, but you think they’d really benefit from some ‘one-to-one’ private tuition. The ugly ones can sink or swim. It’s not your fault they’re specky brainbox twats who went to uni.
Fitness coach
Get off on watching young, shapely women get all sweaty and panting for breath? Then this is for you. You can put your grubby little hands pretty much anywhere helping them to get in the right exercise positions – and they’ll thank you for it rather than dialling 999. If any mingers want to join, tell them you’re massively overbooked and get on with being in your own personal interactive Eric Prydz video.
Catholic priest
It’s an unfair stereotype that Catholics priests are paedos, because the Church of England is full of them as well. However, if you’re more into impressionable, gullible women, it’s good news too. They’ll see your vow of celibacy as a challenge, not realising you don’t give a toss. If all else fails, just tell them it’s what God would want. You chat with Him on a daily basis, and if they’re daft enough to believe in talking snakes they’ll swallow just about anything. There’s bound to be some ambiguous bit in the Bible that can be interpreted as fellating a priest leading to eternal righteousness and living in a mansion in Heaven with angels going ‘hark’ and all that.
