TEENAGERS love music that encourages them to be gloomy little self-obsessed shits. Here are some artists you should only be allowed to listen to above the age of 25.
The Cure
There are so many Cure songs about doomed relationships that the Camus-inspired Killing an Arab is a chirpy pick-me-up. Pictures of You in particular is great for teens Facebook stalking a girl at school who’s way out of their league. All you can conclude is that Robert Smith split up with a lot of goth chicks in his time. Maybe they fell out over who used all the eyeliner and volumising shampoo.
Nine Inch Nails
NIN unquestionably rock, but a typical day for Trent Reznor consists of non-stop, overwrought trauma, eg. ‘Look through these blackened eyes/ You’ll see ten thousand lies’ and ‘Dress up this rotten carcass just to make it look alive’. It definitely speaks to the self-absorbed teen, too beautiful and sensitive for the cruelty of A-levels. As for Trent, he should try worrying about something more productive, like chucking out all the manky stuff at the back of the fridge.
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Nick and the Seeds’ dirgy tunes are fair warning of the opaque lyrical glumness to follow. GCHQ would struggle to decipher some of the lyrics, but persevere and you’ll find them deeply un-uplifting, eg. mournful meditations on sleeping with a prostitute. What were you expecting, Nick? A day out at Alton Towers?
The Smiths
It’s stating the obvious to point out The Smiths weren’t exactly 2 Unlimited, but they can’t really be left out of any list about gloomy tunes. There are many themes here that will really chime with teens, such as unrequited love (What Difference Does it Make?) and vegetarianism in Meat Is Murder, with its slightly hilarious lyrical variations on ‘And the [insert tasty animal here] that you carve with a smile… is MURDER!’ Of course, the true misery here will be experienced by mum, who now has to find vegetarian ready meals that taste of something.
Marilyn Manson
Marilyn mines a rich seam of being crushed by an uncaring and corrupt world, and what teenager hasn’t experienced that? There’s just no way you can save up for a car on your dad’s £45 a month allowance – WHICH INCLUDES YOUR LUNCH MONEY FOR COLLEGE! Also, Manson pretends to be JFK on the day of his assassination in the video for Coma White, and the average teen is already pretty self-obsessed, so you don’t want to give them delusions of grandeur too.
Radiohead
Easily the best and most listenable ‘existential dread’ band, and even people who don’t like Radiohead like Creep and Just, so frankly Thom Yorke et al can’t be as miserable as they make out. Which is absolutely perfect for the performatively alienated teenager who can mysteriously be shaken out their endless void of despair by giving them the cash to see Fast X.
Joy Division
Actually, Joy Division had a lot of very uplifting songs and a playful sense of humour. No, just kidding. They were far more authentic in their misery than other gloomy bands thanks to poor old Ian Curtis, and managed to make late 70s Manchester look like A Clockwork Orange without the social life. Probably best avoided by teens, as it might make them genuinely miserable, and that’s the last thing they want.
