A MAN has squandered his hallowed daily bowel movement on company time by leaving his phone at his desk, it has emerged.
Oliver O’Connor usually treats himself to ten paid minutes of relief and mindless scrolling shortly before his lunch break, but due to his forgetfulness he has been forced to make do with just his thoughts for entertainment.
He said: “I only realised once my pants were round my ankles and there was no going back. Why didn’t I double check my pockets as I got out of my chair? Rookie mistake.
“By rights I should be getting a dopamine hit from looking at memes while waste products leave my body. Not to mention snooping on my more attractive colleagues via Instagram before I get down to the business of wiping. It’s the best part of the day.
“Instead, here I am gazing at a cubicle door and trying to tune out the farts from whoever’s next to me. How did people cope before Apple invented a pocket-sized supercomputer? I guess they had newspapers but it’s hardly the same.
“Maybe I can distract myself by thinking of something cool and exciting like a new superhero…? No, it’s no use, my imagination died years ago. Oh well, best get back to shitting.”
