GOING for a poo at work takes the detailed planning and slick execution of a bank robbery. Here’s how not to get caught red-handed in this terrible, shameful act.
1. Ask yourself: ‘Do I really need to do this?’ If it’s 2pm can’t you just hang on another few hours? You’ll be in sweaty, crippled agony, but at least you can do it in the sanctuary of your own bathroom. Practise extreme sphincter discipline.
2. Avoid peak times. Doing a sly dump is much harder first thing and at lunchtime and home time. The last thing you want is to get rumbled by Anne from HR, so wait until at least 11pm when all the staff and cleaners have gone.
3. Pick a quiet toilet. Every company has a remote loo on a different floor which is famously ‘the place where everyone goes to have a shit’. Go one better. If your company has a branch 80 miles away drive there to do your business.
4. Open a window. Ventilation is key, even if you have to clamber up precariously on top of the sink. But falling and breaking your neck is still less embarrassing than your line manager getting a whiff of your Monday morning dispatch.
5. Lift your feet up. The last thing you want is one of your colleagues looking under the stall door and ID-ing you from your new work shoes. A true nightmare scenario.
6. Put bog roll in the toilet. The old ‘landing pad’ – a tried and tested technique. Scientists have confirmed it’s the best way to prevent an embarrassingly audible ‘plop’. Don’t mess with a classic.
7. But don’t stuff the toilet with too much bog roll. Don’t risk blocking the toilet. You’ll have to tell the man from maintenance, who won’t say it but will clearly regard you as scum. Forget about ever being promoted and you may end up with a new nickname: The Phantom Shitter.
8. Shit at breakneck speed. The main aim of any work-based crap. Get in and out as quickly as you can, like the SAS. Anyone observing you will say ‘They couldn’t have pooed in that time’. Your Machiavellian scheming has outwitted the poor simple fool. Ha ha. HA HA HA!
9. Destroy the evidence. If you leave piss on the seat or skids down the back of the lav, it’s 100 per cent guaranteed you’ll open the stall door and be confronted by your boss waiting for a slash.
10. Have an exit strategy. To distract suspicious colleagues, visit the kitchen on the way back. If you saunter back to your desk with a tray of teas and posh biscuits, the last thing on anyone’s mind will be you squatting over the porcelain. Unless they’re a bit weird.
11. Shift the blame. If you’ve had a mare and stunk out the entire office, brazen it out. Back at your desk, loudly complain about someone ‘doing massive shits in the staff loos again’. Mention how it’s ‘the third time this week’ and even refer to it as ‘disrespectful’.
12. Apply for a new job. Someone might have noticed you committing this disgusting normal bodily function. The shame. So best to quit and move to another company. Just in case.
