WORRIED about tax rises? Want to opt out of the whole system by getting paid in wads of grubby banknotes? White van driver Wayne Hayes explains how:
Get off the payroll
If you’re on the grid then the tax man’s got your number. Erase your digital identity with a quick email to IT asking them to take you off the payroll. If they ask why, give a suitably middle class excuse like it’s better for the environment or it’s for Ukraine. You people love that shit.
Work for a small business
Big companies attract way more attention from HMRC. Find a kitchen table business that needs help with SEO or business development or whatever wank you wasted three years and thousands of pounds on studying and milk them dry. Insist there’s no paperwork. Practice slipping out the back door in case the filth arrive.
Ask for your salary in a brown envelope
Preferably in unmarked tens and twenties, no fifties because nowhere takes them, every Friday rather than every month. Ideally get it handed over outside the office and out of view of security cameras, ie near the bins behind the canteen. Don’t leave a paper trail for the Inland Revenue to follow. If they can’t prove it they can’t touch you.
Blackmail your boss
Boss insisting you’re at an FTSE 100 company and brand managers must be paid through proper channels? Find leverage. Catch them in the act of sexual harrassment or fraud or if they’re too straight fit them up. Present them with the evidence and explain you’ll be taking your wage in cash from now on, and if it’s short you’ll cut them a fresh nostril.
Accept you’re a criminal
All that sounds pretty criminal? Yeah. Once you’re cash in hand, you’re outside the law. Stop paying for boring car insurance, don’t bother with planning permission, take zero accountability for your actions and have no respect for anybody. Oh and you can’t vote now, but that doesn’t matter because politicians are all the f**king same.
