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Grown man still thinks he should be enjoying his job

A MAN has reached the age of 34 still naively believing that his job should be something he enjoys. 

Network engineer Tom Logan has been in full-time work for 14 years but has somehow maintained the illusion that a full-time job could be ‘fulfilling’ and ‘pleasurable’.

He said: “This is my third IT department, but I’m still struggling to find the one I come into with a song in my heart and a joyful spring in my step. That can’t be right.

“If I’m at work 40 hours a week then it should be something I look forward to. And it’s not just the work itself that’s unsatisfying. My colleagues are dull and I’ve got this nagging suspicion that the company itself doesn’t actually care about me as a person.

“We never get up to any crazy antics in the office. The only time we all went for a beer was because the canteen was closed while it was being fumigated for cockroaches.

“There isn’t even anyone I want to have an affair with. What is this all for? A salary?”

Boss Carolyn Ryan said: “Tom keeps trying to enjoy his job. I caught him whistling on his way in the other day. Next round of redundancies, he’s gone.”

How to disguise dangerous incompetence as comical bumbling

ARE you a f*ck-up to your very core, like certain figures in the national spotlight presently, but keen to mask it as hapless buffoonery? Here’s how: 

Have a funny haircut

Driven your car into a primary school classroom because you were sexting? Uproarious hair like Beaker from the Muppets, Heinz Wolff, or Boris Johnson, will see you dismissed as an ‘absent-minded eccentric’ rather than ‘terrifyingly dangerous’.

Use obscure words

From mugwhump to ‘inverted pyramid of piffle’ to letterbox, loveable rogues can say whatever they want by delving into our rich history. Call your boss a goose-saddler, tallowcatch or ninnyhammer is much better than calling them a d*ckhead.

Ride a bicycle

This can’t be the man who will destroy Britain, surely? Not this cycle-helmeted crackpot, so bumbling and chucklesome? Why, that’s like saying a man with a funny haircut, moustache and single bollock could devastate Europe.

Lie

If everyone knows you’re lying, you’re not really lying, are you? So when you say you’ve paid the bill, not shagged anyone and Brexit will be great, it’s just your funny way of telling the truth by always saying its opposite.

Don’t give a shit

Donald Trump and his English protege prove that if you don’t give a monkey’s about anything, you can rise to the very top. So don’t be afraid of making mistakes; just be enough of a terrifying narcissist not to care when you do.

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