STAFF are being encouraged to work from home even though many are still in the office. Have you been sent home for your own safety or do your colleagues hate you?
How did your boss raise the subject of homeworking?
A) Praised my productivity, asked if I needed any support and said to feel free to come in any time.
B) Emailed saying ‘Annalise has got your desk, your stuff’s in storage, for f**k’s sake don’t come in unless you absolutely have to.’
Before lockdown, what were your main responsibilities in the office?
A) Supervising staff, identifying revenue streams, chairing development meetings.
B) Hovering around people’s desks talking about Formula 1 and making uncomfortable comments like, ‘Getting into your bikini next summer, Laura?’
Is not being in the office a problem for you?
A) I miss the camaraderie but I’ve adapted and I love the time and money I’m saving by not commuting.
B) Nah, because I don’t have to squeeze myself into my one pair of smart trousers, the two shirts I alternate all week and should wash every weekend but don’t, and there’s no more of that showering every three days. Though I do miss stealing reams of A4.
How do you feel about Zoom meetings?
A) They don’t need to be stilted if you let everyone contribute, and it’s nice to see friendly faces.
B) Bloody brilliant. Everyone has to listen to you and the moment they’re over you can get back to Pornhub.
Have you ever suspected you might be a workplace twat?
A) You can’t get along with everyone all the time, but no.
B) No way! I’m the office joker and the ideas guy. It was me who kept hassling all the girls to do a naked calendar for Comic Relief.
ANSWERS
Mostly As: Your company appreciates that you can work from home without four lunchtimes and a daily nap, watching a film every afternoon and compulsive wanking.
Mostly Bs: Your co-workers consider you a twat. For your information, saying things like ‘Woargh – did you just let one off, Jennifer?’ is not ‘banter’. They hope never to see you again.
