Absolute arsehole brings in nice pack lunch every day

AN ARSEHOLE is upsetting his colleagues by bringing a really lovely packed lunch into work everyday.

With multiple Tupperware boxes containing delicious homemade meals, Martin Bishop makes whatever his colleagues are eating look ‘totally wank’.

Colleague Wayne Hayes said: “Every time he pops out a homemade Keralan curry or wonderfully fresh, organic salad, it just reminds me that my life is a chaotic mess.

“His dishes perfume the air. I put my value beef lasagne in the office microwave and it smelt like I’d heated up a pair of underpants.

“Just go to Tesco Metro and get a depressing meal deal like the rest of us you absolute fucker.”

Hayes added: “He’s probably having regular sex as well.”

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Father scraps plan to use baby carrier because it is ‘badly designed’

A FATHER has abandoned plans to wear a ‘papoose’ baby carrier because it is ‘very badly designed’.

Tom Logan has been trying to put the carrier on for the past two hours so he can pop to the shop for beer and footballs and stuff.

Logan said: “There are too many straps or not enough straps.

“I’ve tried jumping into it, sliding into it, rubbing myself in olive oil and wriggling into it sideways.

“Apart from anything else, I think it might be designed for a 12-year-old. Either that or I’ve put on a lot of weight, which is not possible because I own an expensive bicycle.”

He added: “I really wanted to be one of those cool, modern dads with floppy hair and their own changing bag. But because the manufacturer failed to design this properly I shall have to use this badly designed pram.”

Logan’s six-month-old son, Ben said: “He threw away the instructions.”

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