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How to imagine the most innocuous things possible are about Israel-Palestine

PARANOID lunatics are finding support for Hamas in the most innocuous places, like a totally unconnected M&S Christmas ad. If you’re mental, watch out for these things.

Colours 

Anything red, green and white is pro-Palestinian, like the M&S ad showing coloured paper hats tossed on a fire by people bored of Christmas traditions. Admittedly those are also the colours of the flags of Hungary, Mexico and Madagascar, or as it should be referred to now, ‘the Hungarian-Madagascan-Mexican-Palestinian Axis of Evil’.

And there’s something else that’s red, green and white as Christmas approaches: elves. For God’s sake don’t allow one of these little Islamic extremists into your house. He’ll be watching you alright – for signs of homosexual activity.

Rivers

‘From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free’ goes the pro-Palestine slogan. As such, any reference to a river is violently anti-Israel. If you hear someone say ‘Emma and I had a lovely walk by the Avon’ you can bet their next day out will be chucking painted mice around in a McDonald’s.

Seas 

As above. Anyone who likes going to the seaside supports global Jihad, even if it’s your daughter and she’s four.

Not tweeting

Not tweeting your condemnation of Hamas is exactly the same as giving your wholehearted support to murderers. The worst offender is the highly influential twitterer Gary Lineker, who is no doubt hiding behind the excuse that he has no particular interest in, or connection to, Israel or Palestine. Perhaps you’d care to explain why you haven’t tweeted a detailed plan for the rescue of the Israeli hostages, Gary?

Paragliding

The singer Alicia Keys declared a passing interest in going paragliding – the exact same mode of transport of some of the Hamas terrorists. She later tweeted ‘The post I shared earlier was COMPLETELY unrelated in any way to the recent devastating loss of innocent lives’ – clearly the words of a fanatic consumed by hate.

Following this logic to its sensible conclusion, you should look out for other vehicles favoured by Hamas, such as Toyota pick-ups. Confront anyone you see with one in their drive. They’ll claim they’re just a self-employed builder and they find a large vehicle handy for work. So it’s just a coincidence you can fit a heavy machine gun and six Hamas militants in the back, is it? 

Calls for peace

Calling for peace is a clear indication of someone wanting the cycle of violence to continue indefinitely. If you hear anyone saying ‘I just wish everyone could live together peacefully’ with genuine sadness in their voice, punch the bastard in the face.

Alpha male films that are actually about pathetic beta male losers

ALPHA males love certain films featuring manly violence and dominant behaviour. But on closer inspection some of them may in fact be about puny beta males. Like these.

The Deer Hunter (1978)

This three-hour film charts the progress of Robert De Niro’s character from a man who’s able to kill deer without batting an eyelid to becoming an animal rights supporter who lets one go. Okay, he’s slaughtered loads of Viet Cong in the meantime, but he’s still a wuss. Plus there’s a wedding scene, which makes the film soppy as well as poncy.

Gladiator (2000)

No self-respecting alpha male would be caught dead wearing sandals, yet Russell Crowe’s Maximus spends the whole film in them like a drippy Guardian reader. At least he doesn’t wear socks too. And he enjoys wandering about in wheat fields, stroking it like it’s his pet hamster. What a complete fanny.

Scarface (1983)

Cocaine is the beta male’s drug of choice. Alpha males stick to steroids they pick up from a guy they know at their gym. Al Pacino’s line ‘Say hello to my little friend’ is clearly a metaphor for his penis, making Scarface a homoerotic thriller.

Fight Club (1999)

Brad Pitt’s Tyler Durden is supposedly the classic alpha male. But his main job is making and selling soap like he works in a branch of Body Shop or something. He plays golf instead of a proper man’s sport like rugby. And he comes up with a list of rules. Real men don’t follow rules.

The Shining (1980)

Jack Nicholson is a writer who gets a job as a caretaker, neither of which is a proper man’s job. If he had any dignity, he’d be working as a professional MMA fighter or a hitman. And he manages to get lost in a garden maze and freeze to death. If he was properly hard, he’d easily be able to cope with a couple of inches of snow in just a t-shirt. And if it had been Jason Statham, he’d have blown up the Overlook Hotel.

Any Bond film

James Bond spends a good portion of his time poncing about in fancy suits wearing bow ties and sipping cocktails. If he had any self-respect he’d be drinking pints of whisky, not martinis. Plus he’s called James – a beta male name if ever there was one. He should have been called something manly like Blade or Colt.

The Godfather (1972)

Marlon Brando’s Vito Corleone is supposedly the alpha male patriarch of a mob family. Except he’s got a cat, and everyone knows cats are only owned by women and ‘new man’ types. He probably feeds it poncy cat food too, like Sheba rather than Whiskas.

First Blood (1982)

Alpha males drive Audis and BMWs, but Stallone’s John Rambo prefers to walk. And he knows how to live off the land, like an American Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. In the end, he starts crying like a baby right before he surrenders to police. At least Pacino’s Scarface went out holding a massive phallic symbol.

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