Assange release causes sinister American to bang fist on table

THE release of Wikileaks founder Julian Assange yesterday caused a senior American to shout ‘godammit’ and bang his fist on a walnut conference table.

Colonel Nathan Muir, the most brilliant and ambitious officer within the US military intelligence aparatus, watched Assange emerge from the High Court in London on a bank of LCD screens, one of which was displaying pages from the whistleblower’s secret NSA file while another showed the positions of drone-based missile systems in Northern Pakistan.

Smashing his fist against the highly polished surface, Colonel Muir said: “Gentlemen, implement Operation Enduring Strike Eagle.”

Muir then turned and stared intently at an extreme close up of Assange’s smiling face while junior officers scurried around him carrying bits of A4 paper and somewhere in the Suffolk countryside a French-speaking, quasi non governmental assassin named ‘Caleb’ was activated.

Intelligence expert, Martin Bishop, said: “Colonel Muir would appear to be the secret baddie in all of this.

“I suspect he has surrounded himself with an elite group of fiercely loyal soldiers and is running his own secret war in Turkmenistan funded by a heroin smuggling operation he set up with a rogue Taleban chieftan who is fat and jolly and has a taste for fine champagne and milky-skinned Western ladies.

“It’s also very likely that the White House has no idea what Muir is up to as, thanks to his extensive library of secret personnel files, he controls the upper echelons of the military and government and has been effectively running US defence policy for years

“I would imagine, therefore, that Assange will have to be stopped at all cost before Muir is exposed and then dies after being thrown off the White House roof by President Obama after a fist fight lasting, I would say, about 25 minutes.”

Meanwhile Colonel Muir will meet with US secretary of state Hillary Clinton later today, where he is expected to tell her she must speed up her attempts to extradite Assange before pushing a file across the table marked ‘Mrs Clinton Sex Photos’.

Senior sources confirmed that after leaving the State Department, Colonel Muir will pause briefly and stare into the middle distance as he realises that if Operation Enduring Sex Photos does not work then he will have no choice but to implement Operation Just Blow His Fucking Head Off.

Ireland urged to join the 19th Century

A LANDMARK EU court ruling could propel Ireland headlong into the middle of the 19th century.

The European Court of Human Rights said Irish abortion laws were outdated and should be overhauled to allow the phased introduction of gin, a hot bath and a manky old coat hanger.

Under current Irish law an abortion can only be performed if the foetus has tested positive for Satan’s DNA and there have been no sightings of the Virgin Mary and/or Baby Jesus for at least a fortnight.

If Satanic DNA is present then the patient still has to be accompanied by a priest screaming the phrase ‘murdering whore’ into her face from a distance of no more than three inches.

Mary Stephens, an Irish pro-choice campaigner, welcomed the move, adding: “We’re trying to change attitudes, but you have to pitch it just right in terms of the Irish psyche. Our latest idea is a series of cartoons featuring Bertie the Abortion Leprechaun.

“If, after giving it a great deal of thought, you decide to have a termination, then Bertie will grant you a special wish and smooth things over with your favourite saint.”

The ruling could also force Ireland to abandon practices such as flogging the corpses of suicide victims and executing donkeys for having an erection in the presence of a bishop.

But traditionalists have vowed to oppose any attempt to move the country towards a century with four digits.

Mother of 27, Elizabeth Wilson, said: “These laws have served us well. They got us through a series of Meteor Forebodings and give us the powers we need to protect ourselves from albinos.”