Society

CUTS in school music budgets could lead to a cataclysmic surge in Coldplay, Ofsted has warned. 

THE corpse of legendary entertainer Al Jolson is to be exhumed and given a right good slap, it emerged last night.  

PARENTS reacted angrily yesterday after it was revealed they had been forced to spend all day with their children for no reason.  

SNOWBOUND workers across Britain are today expected to encounter the Jeremy Kyle Show for the very first time.

CHILDREN under the age of 15 should never be allowed to fly a passenger jet, not even for five minutes, according to the chief medical officer.

ELDERLY couples who are hoping to adopt their grandchildren are being advised to gay it up a bit. 

DESPITE a decade of extra investment and training Britain's police remain institutionally stupid, according to a major new report.

THOUSANDS of people logged on to the 1911 Census yesterday, stared at the screen for two minutes and then ran from the room with a look of sickened horror.

COUNCILS across Britain are to save millions of pounds by placing a massive skip full of rotting chicken carcases and used incontinence pants at your front door.

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has admitted the economic downturn was completely unnecessary as all this time he could just have printed more tenners.