Society

THE long-term jobless must stand about in big shops wearing polo shirts, the government has confirmed.

BIRTHS to women over 40 have trebled in the last 20 years as men continue to lower their standards, according to latest figures.

PEOPLE who are even remotely interested in the concept of privacy could not possibly have a Facebook account, it has been confirmed.

LONDON now offers a worse quality of life than some place in Australia for God's sake, it emerged last night.

A FAMILY dog is beginning a prison sentence today after being convicted of raping a hat, a seat cushion and a 32 year-old knee.

MANY ninja school-leavers are unfit for even the least dangerous missions, according to leading UK warlords.

NO matter which way you try to finesse it, working in a call centre will crush you, according to a new study.

RESEARCH showing that men lie more than women is proof they should stop asking them awkward questions in the first place, say scientists.

JOHN Lewis has commissioned Billy Joel to write a beautiful, poignant song about engaged couples and their wedding lists.

BRITAIN'S middle classes are threatening all-out passive-aggression if the government raises tax on all the nice things they like.