Society

LAW firm Carter-Ruck is to send you a letter telling you to shut it right now or they will have your house.

THE government is to pay the unemployed to hang around shopping centres pretending to be clinically insane, it emerged last night.

THE Tories have pledged to raise the age at which you suddenly turn into a racist caravan owner who is unable to drive faster than 38mph in a 60mph zone.

A CONSERVATIVE plan to cut the number of people on incapacity benefit was in tatters today as 500,000 people threw themselves down a staircase.

THERE were renewed calls last night for Britain's ethnic minorities to have their own celebrity dancing competitions.

SOME of Britain's most violent crimes have been caused by Chewits, according to a new study.

A PARENTS' group has launched an anti-marble campaign after discovering the seemingly innocent glass balls signify sordid teenage sex acts.

SIGHTINGS of small carnivorous cats, often with tabby or ginger fur, are on the increase, it was claimed last night.

THE Apple TwatPhone has topped the list of items owned by twats, it has been confirmed.

BRITISH children will be healthier, happier and more respectful if they are raised in the 1950s, according to a new study.