THE director of public prosecutions will this week unveil new guidelines that will make it easier for couples to plot each other's deaths.
Keir Starmer will outline new rules granting immunity to the partners of vapid, screeching, fat-ankled harridans and windy, flaccid oafs whose greatest achievement is using the 'series link' function on Sky+ while cupping their own scrotum.
The guidelines will set out the basic method for knocking someone unconscious with a heavy saucepan, strapping them to a wheelchair and then hooking them up to an intravenous drip containing vodka and Disprin.
A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service added: "This should keep them nicely comatose while you wheel them into the back of a Transit van and drive them to Zurich.
"When you get there some nice people will give a cursory glance to your forged documents before despatching your liability peacefully and efficiently in a large, white room filled with flowers, bean bags and the lilting strains of Seasons in the Sun."
For those who cannot afford a Transit van the guidelines are expected to set out alternative methods of assisted suicide, including smothering them with a pillow, dropping a piano on their head and chasing them around the garden with a pair of ravenous alligators.
Mr Starmer said: "This is about showing compassion to people who face the devastating situation of slowly watching their loved one turn into a total and utter nightmare who simply has to die."
Tom Logan, director of the assisted suicide campaign group My Wife's a Fucking Cow, said: "I know where I can borrow a couple of really big alligators. This is so over."
Meanwhile Emma Logan, chairwoman of Fat, Bald, Useless Prick, insisted: "It's going to be difficult to drive to an alligator farm when you're locked in the back of a van as it winds its way through the majestic Bernese Oberland en route to your date with destiny.
"Yodelay-hee-ho."
