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Cuts Will Cause Lesbian Riots, Say Outreach Workers

OUTREACH workers say they should be protected from cutbacks to stop Britain being torn apart by angry, unsupported lesbians.

Drunk Children To Be To Taught How To Look After Drunk Children

THOUSANDS of drunk British children could be spared serious illness and injury if their drunk friends were trained to look after them, experts have claimed.

Guardian 'Hacking Phones To Get Incredibly Boring Stories'

THE Guardian has been accused of hacking into mobile phones to acquire its seemingly never-ending series of incredibly tedious articles.

Dance, Taxman Tells Britain

BRITAIN did a pathetic attempt at an Irish jig last night as the Inland Revenue swigged from a whisky bottle and fired a revolver at its feet.

Londoners To Loathe Each Other In The Open Air

LONDONERS will spend today wishing death upon each other in a late summer festival of above-ground loathing.

Women The New Black, Say Police

VULNERABLE women who can't defend themselves are the new black, according to police violence pundits

Britain Still Lying About How Drunk It Is

BRITAIN continues to tell the most transparent lies about how much it has had to drink, according to new research.

Four Years Until You Can Return To Being A Free-Spending Moron, Say Experts

HOMEOWNERS have just four years to forget everything they may have learned during the financial crisis, experts have warned.

Public Execution Of Charity Muggers To Raise All The Money That Will Ever Be Needed

A SPONSORED mass execution of the UK's charity muggers is set to raise more money for good causes than they will ever be able to spend, it emerged last night.

Memorial Sex Woman Pushing Britain Toward Littlejohn State Of Mind

THE war memorial sex woman and her verminous consort are in danger of making sane people think like Daily Mail columnists, it emerged last night.