Society

SEVEN out of 10 old people are starting to notice that everyone in the room switches off the second they start talking, according to a new survey.

THOUSANDS of British tourists stranded in Calais will begin their journey home today by climbing into the end of a giant cannon pointed roughly at Kent.

MILLIONS of people across Britain are today beginning the process of incorporating volcanoes into their everyday lives.

THE song from the Boots adverts has created an unstoppable strain of demented, screeching harpie, experts claimed last night.

ANIMAL rights groups have called for a ban on a new range of provocative padded beachwear for pets.

THOUSANDS of people across Britain are planning an early start to the weekend today as the Icelandic volcano presented them a fascinating new excuse.

PRIESTS who are gay are 100% more likely to have sex with men rather than boys, experts have claimed.

A PLAN to install slop buckets in homes and offices has raised concerns that being environmentally-friendly could start to become a bit of a pain in the arse again.

RESTAURANTS across Britain are being urged to stop serving food that looks like a lady's fandango.

POLICE in Kent have removed a makeshift sign that warned drivers and pedestrians about nearby Daily Mail readers.