Society

THE Royal Family are preparing to return to their home planet near Sirius, according to the Queen's astronomer.

JUST four months after thousands of people were wrong about Jan Moir, the social network Twitter was today filled with them being wrong again.

NOEL Edmonds' wife was being questioned by police last night over why she has failed to smother him in his sleep.

POOR people are having hours of glorious, acrobatic sex, unencumbered by the nuisance of condoms, it emerged last night.

THE BNP has voted to open its membership to people who are not repressed homosexuals secretly pining for the hot love of a large, powerful black man.

A FEW months sleeping under a flyover and eating discarded banana skins never did anyone any harm, the government said yesterday.

A VILLAGE primary school has saved Valentine's Day by giving its ugliest pupils the day off.

THE heart-warming sight of an old-fashioned burglar smashing a toilet window could soon be swept away by a rising tide of joyless online fraud, according to some of Britain's leading thieves.

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has underlined the Church of England's support for tolerance and diversity with plans for a 'supergay' parade float.

SHAMED police chief Ali Dizaei's attempt to frame an innocent man was littered with 'schoolboy errors', his former colleagues said last night.