Society

FOUR out of five people in Britain have named their hire-purchase widescreen television in their will, according to a new study.

BRITAIN finally hurtled beyond the point of no return last night as the political opinions of Simon Cowell were regarded as important.

TORCHWOOD actor John Barrowman's demonic homosexuality last night scored an effortless victory over the power of prayer.

BRITAIN'S schools stood empty today, apart from 440,000 joyful teachers swinging tube socks filled with two-pence pieces.

THE word 'bigot', introduced into the English language in the late 16th Century, lost all meaning shorty after 11pm last night, it has been confirmed.

BUXOM, whorish dummies are set to give some respite to bad-tempered men in clothes shops.

THE history of Western civilisation is expected to come full circle today when Greece brings it crashing to the ground.

FAT people across Britain are to launch a class-action legal case against their own sofas, it emerged last night.

NOISY Welsh girls are accumulating money at an increasingly terrifying rate, experts warned last night.

SEVEN out of 10 old people are starting to notice that everyone in the room switches off the second they start talking, according to a new survey.