Society

BRITONS are expected to vote in favour of opening a box containing unspeakable evil.

A WEDGE of Stilton has returned fully intact from its fifth picnic of the summer.

HIGHWAYS operative Tom Logan is angry that he always has to use the shovel while his team stands around watching him.

STATISTICALLY illiterate Britons are being shocked and surprised by percentages that only relate to a tiny number of actual things.

HUMANS are being transported across London in crammed, sweltering underground carriages, it has been revealed.

38-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan is controlling his hair destiny by shaving his head and growing a beard.

EVERYBODY is getting wasted on prosecco this year, supermarkets have confirmed.

81-YEAR-OLD Mary Fisher's opinion of a film is based entirely on whether it features pleasant scenery.

SEXUAL intercourse is probably the weirdest thing you will ever do, according to experts.

NO diner prefers a slab of black rock to a plate, chefs have been informed.