Society

EUROPEAN regulations could force British motorists to drive straight down the middle of the road while honking their horns continually, it was claimed last night.

FAT girls are having the best day ever after a scientist said all the skinny girls were going to die first.

TWO pupils at a Manchester school have not been planning to blow it up, a court heard yesterday.

PRISON life is preferable to hospital apart from the persistent knife-point sodomy and being shanked for an ounce of tobacco, according to a major new report.

THE Wiltshire village of Knotting Hill's annual fete has gone off without violent death for the 114th year in a row.

BRITAIN has hit a 50-year high in the production of television-watching food consumption units.

A MAJOR study has confirmed the existence of salivating, murderous clowns lurking under the bed of every child, Britain's parents said last night.

BRITAIN has become like The Wire, scarred by drugs and violence and nowhere near as good as The Guardian said it was, a senior Tory has claimed.

GOVERNMENT plans to ban so called 'herbal highs' will make the drugs as rare as a largely forgotten narcotic known as heroin, experts claimed last night.

A GROUP of retirement-age women from a Cotswold village have produced a charity calendar featuring a Chicago three-way, two golden shake-downs and a carefully choreographed 'Dutch steamboat'.