Society

MILLIONS of people across Britain met their neighbours for the first time yesterday and immediately decided never to talk to them again.

PRIVATE schools could lose their charitable status if they keep producing members of parliament, it emerged last night.

AN ageing population means that old people may lose the right to pick holes in any cup of tea they haven't made themselves, according to new research.

NEWS of the World readers have no interest in how the paper gets its celebrity sex stories, as long as it gets them, it was confirmed last night.

THE new Rubik's puzzle can provide a healthy alternative to a sexual relationship and is definitely not a fetish for OCD social misfits, its inventor said last night.

CLAMPING someone who sees a no-parking sign and then blatantly ignores it is a breach of their human rights, the RAC has claimed.

TWENTY pence  is now worth £50, a tenner is worth 12p and a 2p piece is worth about four grand, it was confirmed last night.

BRITAIN'S police forces have been overrun by idiot, racist vampires, it was claimed last night.

FAT people should be squeezed into specially designed camps so that children will not have to look at them, it was claimed last night.

WORKING immigrants have been branded as 'scandalously self-sufficient' after £10bn in benefits went unclaimed last year.