Society

THE editor of Masochism Today has welcomed a government crackdown on kinky porn and demanded that a cheese grater be dragged across his testicles for breaching the new regulations.

TEENAGE boys across Britain are celebrating after discovering a successful method of marking time between energetic masturbation sessions.

MINI-SKIRTS have risen to record levels making it virtually impossible for men to travel on escalators without being exposed to women's buttocks, a new study reveals. 

BALDY bastards were last night told to shut up and stop being so bald about everything.

THE city of Birmingham and its inhabitants are so ugly they make your eyes boil, a travel writer who has actually been there said last night.

BRITAIN'S poor people have plumbed new depths of sheer, unbridled ghastliness, according to a new report.

AROUND 63% of exotic Japanese girlfriends wear old socks in bed and insist their boyfriends buy a Vauxhall Zafira or Ford Focus C-Max, new research shows. 

TRIBUTES are being paid to Sir Richard Branson this morning after the Virgin Atlantic boss died of laughter.

THE government has rejected claims that Britain mistreats the thousands of whining, dishonest foreigners who wash up on our shores every year like so much rubbish.

THE number of people talking absolute shit has risen for the tenth year in a row and is now at its highest since records began.