Society

GRADUATES and school leavers are to be paid to monitor television between the hours of Trisha and Home & Away in a government bid to cut unemployment.

A NEW range of boutique 18% lagers are becoming the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals who really like a fight.

MANIAC drug dealer Tony 'Scarface' Montana today welcomed moves to tolerate his murderous insanity.

THOUSANDS of recession-hit holidaymakers are planning to ignore the rain, used condoms and one-eyed donkeys this summer in a desperate attempt to enjoy the great British seaside.

THE National Lottery can do more to benefit its predominantly working-class players by giving lots of money to Kerry Katona, ministers said yesterday.

PARENTS are to be given the right to make a formal complaint about the fact they are raising a little shit.

MOTORING taxes may have been used to fund non-transport related expenditure such as great big moats, according to a new report.

NEW NHS guidelines warning that dirty, smelly youngsters may be victims of abuse have led to almost eight million children being taken into care, it emerged last night.

IN a bold, modernising step the Church of England is to offer couples a voodoo water ceremony to protect their bastard offspring from the horned one.

MOUTHY teenage skanks who think they are better than you should be awarded full professional recognition, according to a major new report.