Society

RETAIL sales rose to record levels last month as consumers spent millions of pounds on money saving devices.

CRIME is awful and criminals are ghastly, the government said last night.

THE brains of gay men and straight women are very similar, particularly their love of cocks, experts said last night.

DRIVERS were last night urged to go apeshit crazy, as everything went tits up.

MORE than half of all British children are demons whose souls have been devoured by Satan, according to a new study.

BRITAIN is now easier to entertain than a two month-old baby or a chimpanzee, it was confirmed last night.

TEENAGERS in the grip of the 'emo' suicide cult have been urged to spend more time in the garden playing swingball.

RISING numbers of undiagnosed dementia sufferers has led to the Daily Mail, new research suggests.

SINGER-songwriter Amy Winehouse has taken her place in the pantheon of literature's greatest drug abusers.

CHARITIES are looking forward to a cash bonanza today as people all over Britain pay to throw a bishop out of a plane.