Society

UNDER lockdown, England can only socialise by exercising with one other person outdoors – and it’s bloody freezing. These tips will help.

BRITAIN has admitted being unable to sleep since Saturday because it is tormented by the possibility that good things can happen.

A NEXT-DOOR neighbour has decided to occupy himself during the second lockdown by being a complete and utter twat.

A MAN’S accent has become so posh that it no longer sounds as if he is speaking the English language.

EVERY bonfire night some bellend gets investigated for burning an offensive alternative to Guy Fawkes. Read our guide and find out if your guy will have the coppers round.

OUR lives have changed, and so have the pathetic little life lessons we use in small talk. Try these 21st-century homilies...

LOCKDOWN approaching? Revive the nation’s Blitz spirit by setting off enough explosives to destroy the Isle of Man.

MIDDLE CLASS children are demanding a minimum standard of chocolate for Halloween and will not accept anything with less than 70 per cent cocoa content.

NEED to get somewhere? Literally all other forms of transport unavailable? You might be forced to catch the bus. Here are five awful bastards you’ll encounter on your journey.

DON’T sweat the small stuff, say wankers everywhere, but life does not seem to bear that out. Here are five stupid things it's fine to expend mental energy on instead of actual problems.