Society

ENGLAND is more than halfway through its second lockdown, supposedly, but why is this one so much more bullshit than the first? We asked the public.

A MAN has no clear personality apart from the fact that he has just bought another expensive car, friends have confirmed. 

NOT sure if the person you’ve started talking to is a complete bellend or not? Keep an ear out for these telltale catchphrases.

AS A proud enjoyer of hummus you expect police to be deferential, but one moment of madness and you’re behind bars. These are your nightmare scenarios.

SEVEN months ago you were bored and horny and there were no condoms in the house and the shops were all closed. So what are you planning to call your lockdown lovechild?

CHRISTMAS will be cancelled, booking a holiday is idiocy and the calendar is blank. Convince people you’ve not given up all hope by pretending to look forward to these.

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that it is almost impossible to discern any difference between England before and after lockdown without specialist equipment.

A DICKHEAD who went to public school refers to everyone by their surname no matter how much they wish he would stop.

THE government is launching a crackdown on the minority of cyclists who bother to follow the Highway Code.

DO you like to sprinkle your conversation with contemporary phrases, but get them wrong and sound like an idiot? Here are some to avoid.