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Your guide to the blissfully simple world of Brexiters

HAVE you ever wondered how Brexiters manage to have such a simplistic view of everything? Here Leave voter Norman Steele explains how the world works.

Other people’s jobs

Any job you don’t understand is easy. For example, being a surgeon is just a matter of having a steady hand and knowing what goes where. I could do it. I’ve made Airfix kits.

International trade

It beats me why we need all these trade agreements and regulations. My local car boot sale just charges £7 a pitch and last Saturday I made a profit of £22 – plus I got rid of that dodgy gas heater! Perhaps we should be thinking of moving to a system more like this.

Science

Any scientist will tell you there are no facts, just wild guesses. Sure, they come up with ‘theories’ like global warming, but how’s that better than my theory that cats have their own secret language?

Post-Brexit air travel

People keep fretting about this but they’re bound to sort something out. If they don’t we’ll just employ ballsy pilots who’ll dive in and land when there’s a gap in the air traffic.

Being successful

The only way to be successful in life is good, honest graft. For some reason people get annoyed and start arguing when I say things like this, so I just imagine a little tune in my head and stop listening.

Relationships

The reason so many relationships fail is that people aren’t prepared to work at them. My marriage is an exhausting, never-ending slog, or at least that’s how my wife describes it.

Mum's stash of expired medicine to set her up as post-Brexit drug kingpin

A MOTHER’S cupboard of expired medicine will enable her to act as a post-Brexit drug kingpin.

Unwittingly stockpiling half-empty packs of expired antibiotics mean that once the Brexit medicine shortages hit Jane Thomson from Stevenage is going to be making it rain, Walter White-style.

She said: “I always said they’d come in handy. Admittedly, I wasn’t talking about the country voting itself into a suicidal political checkmate that would leave food and medicine supplies under threat, but here we are.”

Thomson’s extensive pharmaceutical collection also includes a stash of heavy-duty tranquillisers from when she fell off that scooter in the Algarve, enough sticky, out-of-date cough medicine to fill a swimming pool, and a bottle of some sort of tonic that belonged to grandma, who has been dead for 15 years.

She added: “No-one around here needs to worry, I can take care of whatever they need.

“And if any motherfucker wants to try and stop to me, they’d best come ready for war.”

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