'You'll be poorer': All your economic questions answered in three words

4th April 2025

WHAT do Trump’s tariffs mean for me? How will they affect my family? What will they mean for the country as a whole? We answer in three words.

How will Trump’s tariffs affect the world?

It’ll be poorer.

And America?

Much, much poorer.

But what about their effect on the UK economy?

We’ll be poorer.

Even though Brexit means we’re only getting tariffed at ten per cent?

Poorer plus poorer. Equals poorer. As in Brexit made us poorer, so will the tariffs and therefore we will be doubly poor. It’s not a complicated equation.

So my family personally will be able to afford less?

Which part of ‘you’ll be poorer’ did you fail to understand? Yes, just like with Brexit, you may not notice any immediate effects but everything will cost more, the country as a whole will have fewer jobs, they’ll be badly paid and we’ll continue our 17-year downward slide.

But that’s not fair.

Since when did being poor have anything to do with fairness?

How can I avoid becoming poorer?

Be rich already.

Can anything be done to mitigate the effects of the tariffs?

Not a lot. They’re not based on any pre-existing tariff barriers; you’ll be surprised to learn Trump was lying about that. They’re based on trade deficits, ie. how much more stuff American buys from us than we buy from it. We don’t have one. But are tariffed anyway.

So because Fox News-addled Americans elected a criminal insurrectionist with an economic understanding of the world based on the ‘f**k you, pay me’ dialogue from Goodfellas, I…

Will be poorer.

Can I blame Keir Starmer?

Certainly. Who would you rather elect, Trump’s close friend Nigel Farage or Trump-praiser Kemi Badenoch?

Will this all end when he’s no longer president in four years?

You think he’s going?

How can Kanye possibly win Bianca's heart back, apart from stopping being a Nazi?

4th April 2025

IT appears Kanye West has inexplicably been dumped by Bianca Censori. But what more can a near-perfect partner like Ye do to win her back? Here are some ideas that might just work.

Let her wear clothes

Women like clothes, not just for fashion but also for public decency and not getting hypothermia. And Bianca is probably so used to being naked by now that any item of clothing will be an amazing treat: ‘Omigod! A grey £8.50 Amazon Essentials sweatshirt? This is the best Christmas EVER!’

Take your meds

Nothing says ‘consideration for your partner’ like remembering to take the pills that stop you going off on unhinged rants about black people being the true Jewish race, ‘demonic’ Covid jabs and your enemies planting ‘fake children’ in your home to manipulate your own kids. And if you’re planning a weekend break, try Rome or the Cotswolds rather than Crazyville.

Stop idolising Hitler

Kanye is right that there were ‘good things about Hitler’. He liked dogs and ordered the construction of autobahns. However the key to truly understanding Hitler is to look beyond these two positive traits and find out about other stuff he was into, such as industrialised genocide. Obviously it’s not easy finding out about such an obscure historical figure, but there’s a ‘hack’ you can use. It’s called WATCHING ANY F**KING DOCUMENTARY ABOUT HITLER.

Read at least one book

Kanye claims to never have read a book. But women are impressed by smart guys who know about literature – Ian McEwan freely admits he only does it for the fanny. So now is the perfect time for Ye to get into reading. Ulysses is probably as good a book as any to start with.

Huff nitrous oxide responsibly

No woman wants to be with a drunk who’s always embarrassing her at social events, and the same applies to having a squeaky chipmunk voice all the time due to constantly inhaling nitrous oxide through a surgical mask. So Kanye should definitely cut back on his N2O intake. As with booze, a good tip is to pace yourself – for every cylinder of N2O, have a nice healthy tank of air.

Write nicer lyrics

The lyric ‘How am I antisemitic? I just f**ked a Jewish bitch’ on the track Vultures may offer a clue to winning back Bianca. Women tend not to be into a toxic mix of antisemitism and misogyny, so maybe Kanye needs to write some nicer lyrics? Perhaps like Ed Sheeran’s ‘I’m in love with the shape of you/ We push and pull like a magnet do’? Which is shit, but no one will be offended by it. Except people who like music.

Don’t ask for blowjobs in public

When Kanye and Bianca went on a trip to romantic Venice it was somewhat marred by them being photographed mid-blowjob in a boat. Most ladies aren’t super-keen on performing sex acts in full view of passers-by, so maybe don’t ask them to? Also it’s not very chivalrous; if a true gentleman were that desperate for immediate sexual relief, he would have discreetly put his knob in a Cornetto.