WE’VE all dreamed of just coming out with our true feelings for a crush. But misjudge the situation and the reality is more likely to be a nightmare. Here’s how.

It’s not mutual, it turns out 

How often you’ve thought of how it would feel to confess your love, and how they would instantly admit they’ve spent countless sleepless nights yearning for your embrace. Except they haven’t. Instead they smile politely and suddenly mention a partner you’re pretty sure they didn’t have until ten seconds ago. It’s awkward. And they’re definitely going to tell people, and not in an excited way.

Rambling

In your soppy daydreams, any rambling on your part will be met with a ‘Shut up and kiss me!’ from your beloved, followed by a lengthy smooch. In truth, your charming Hugh Grant-style blathering will be met with a panicked ‘No, stop!’ and a look of horror. Or worse still they might just let you carry on talking to yourself, making you look like an out-of-it drunk bloke at a bus stop.

Texting or IRL?

If you spill the beans in person, you’ll know their reaction almost immediately from what they say, their facial expression and whether they suddenly remember they have a train to catch. Texting them is slightly less stressful, although you’ll be too frightened to look at your phone for at least 15 hours. At which point you’ll finally ask a friend to look and discover there’s no response, meaning you needn’t have worried. Or, rather, you should now be worried.

‘Love ya’

In the heat of the moment, there’s a danger of your brain going scrambled and you blurting out the shortened version, ‘love ya’. This makes you sound worryingly like the Fonz or someone from Essex, neither of which will make you more adorable. Worse, it’s still unclear whether you’ve actually told them you love them or you just talk like one of the twats off TOWIE. The course of true love doth never run smooth.

It sounds horribly insincere

If you’ve got past the crush stage and miraculously started going out with the object of your affections, you may be tempted to gaze seriously into their eyes and say ‘I love you’. As soon as you say it it will sound incredibly insincere, as if you think it’s the sort of thing you’re meant to say in relationships. And if they say it to you too casually you’ll worry that they mean it in the sense of ‘I love crunchy nut cornflakes’. It’s a f**king minefield, so maybe just stick with ‘I like you a lot’.