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Woman supporting local business by going to Starbucks down the road

A WOMAN who is keen to support her local economy does so by frequenting the Starbucks near her house.

Lauren Hewitt understands the importance of giving back to her community, which is why she goes to to the closest outlet of the global corporation rather than one in the centre of town.

Hewitt said: “I love the cosy atmosphere of my local Starbucks. It definitely has a much more artisanal feel than the almost identical one in the shopping centre.

“I know all the baristas by name, or at least by reading their name badges. They’re all on zero hours contracts so I rarely see the same one twice, but it’s nice to try and build a relationship with them in the ten seconds it takes me to order a drink.

“There’s an independent café next door to my Starbucks which I like because it brings some diversity and character to the high street. But I never go in because the one time I did the owner asked me how my day was. Seemed a bit overfamiliar.

“Still, I’d be sad if it shut down. But not sad enough to forego a White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino in a cup the size of my head every day. Ah, the authentic taste of real coffee.”

JK Rowling made patron saint of mad internet boomers

OLDER middle-aged social media users who lose their minds have named JK Rowling their official leader.

Having dropped traditional hobbies in favour of posting ill-informed, inflammatory views on niche subjects, boomers have chosen the Harry Potter author as their approved figurehead.

Susan Traherne, aged 59, said: “Like most people my age, I started out with a some slightly bigoted posts in the Daily Mail comments section before pivoting to joining Facebook groups dedicated to conspiracy theories about Meghan Markle.

“I’ve lately branched out to Twitter where the done thing is fixating on a topic you have little understanding of, obsessively tweeting about it, and then playing the victim when people say you’re acting like a dick. It’s a lot more fun than gardening.

“And I’m thrilled that we now have spiritual protection and guidance from the Grand High Tweeter herself. It makes me feel like less of an awful person when I’m encouraging unpleasant pile-ons of minority groups.

“It’s turns out it’s true that you get more right-wing with age, and with it, more likely to say batshit mental or highly offensive things. But at least I’m saying them on Twitter, which you can switch off, rather than at the cheese counter in Tesco.”

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