subscribe
/ Sign Out

Woman out Christmas shopping appalled at people out Christmas shopping

A WOMAN out Christmas shopping is shocked and angered by the number of other people doing exactly the same.

Joanna Kramer could barely contain her contempt for the heaving crowds of Christmas shoppers as she battled her way through them to buy some last-minute gifts and nibbles.

Kramer said: “Popping to the shops is murder at this time of year, and I should know because I always leave it until now to buy food and presents for the big day.

“Why can’t people use their common sense and order everything they need online? That’s what I asked the knackered-looking check out girl in Waterstones while I waited for her to scan the huge stack of books I’d picked up.

“As I struggled through town laden with bags I couldn’t help but wonder if everyone except me has forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not all about buying things, I said to myself as I nipped into Anne Summers to purchase some seasonal nipple tassels for Diane’s eldest.

“Although if you think this is bad you should see the Boxing Day sales. I’m usually forced to elbow someone hard in the face just to grab a discounted telly, it’s disgusting.”

Is your liquor cabinet fully stocked with undrinkable booze?

CHRISTMAS is coming, and with it the obligation to collect a large range of alcohol nobody truly wants. Go through our checklist: 

Tia Maria

Like Baileys, Tia Maria comes in an opaque bottle and is only bought at Christmas, but unlike Bailey’s, it doesn’t always get drunk. So this bottle could be from last year, the year before or 2010. You only find out when an unpleasant lump touches your lips.

Malibu

A lightweight tropical girl drink that someone, whether a great-grandmother or a nephew’s girlfriend, will unfailingly ask for so you might as well keep it in to stop them drinking the good stuff. Turns devotees bawdy and violent after four.

Mulled wine

Mulled wine, or cooking wine with a festive label on, is a Yuletide shopping basket favourite but a faff to prepare. So it will lurk, undrunk, until a teenager pours themselves a glass or five and then performs a red wine sick on the new rug.

Pernod and/or Cointreau

The French stop themselves drinking too much by downing one of these foul liquids before and after every meal, the overwhelming flavours of aniseed or orange even cutting through the garlic. Ideal to keep for when there’s nothing else.

Unidentifiable foreign booze

Ouzo, raki, grappa, schnapps, Slovenian aquarium cleaner; normally you’ve bought a bottle on holiday already. But this year you’ve been nowhere more exotic than Aberystwyth so you’ll have to order blind off the web. Or better yet the dark web.

Angostura bitters

A key ingredient in all cocktails, this herbal concoction masks jarring tastes by being remorselessly unpleasant in itself.

Blue Curacao

You haven’t been pissed until you watch your own cobalt-blue vomit spiral into a toilet bowl. And it will.

Next story ›