DO you live many, many miles from the sea, but still have a boat in your drive as if it were a short hop away? Go through our checklist: 

Do you live more than 35 miles from the sea? YES/NO

Do you have a large boat on a trailer in your drive regardless, completely blocking the view of the garden which you’ve paved over so you can park a boat on it? YES/NO

Does the boat ever touch a body of water? YES/NO

If it does indeed occasionally float, does that happen: THREE TIMES A YEAR/ONCE A YEAR/ONCE EVERY FIVE YEARS/ONCE IN 1997

Is the boat clearly, from a glance, from a passer-by who knows little of maritime matters, not remotely seaworthy? YES/NO

Has it been there for so long it’s become a local landmark, with neighbours saying ‘we’re the house two doors down from that knobhead with the boat’? YES/NO

Does your boat have a f**king stupid name like Jolley’s Dream, Wave Hog or Oswaldtwistle Princess? YES/YES

Do you sometimes, riding the buzz of six gins on a Friday night, climb into your boat and pretend you’re sailing the Pacific even though the only sea you’re in is one of identical semi-detached houses? YES/NO

If you answered NO to the previous question, did you mean YES? YES/YES

Does your wife hate it? YES/YES

Does your wife hate you? YES/YES

Are your dreams of sailing around the Caribbean largely because you imagine that, as captain of your own ship, nobody would ever tell you what to do ever again? YES/NO

Are you not even possessed of one-tenth of the skills required to sail as far as Dieppe, so you never, ever will? YES/NO

Should you face facts and get a narrowboat? YES/OBVIOUSLY

Are you going to get rid of the boat? NO/YES, I’M LOOKING AT CATAMARANS ONLINE