THE media likes to paint Trump in a negative light, but the US president isn’t all bad. Here are five positive things about him.
He’s older than his average life expectancy
The average US male lives until 77, and Trump has already overshot that by a year. Factor in his McDonald’s-loving lifestyle and the stressful demands of being commander-in-chief, and it wouldn’t be surprising to see him keel over and breathe his last at any moment. Which is a comforting thought when the world is hurtling towards idiotic destruction with every passing moment.
He’s too vain to cause World War 3
Trump may be a liar, crook and a sex offender, but at least his colossal ego is preventing him from initiating an armed global conflict. WW3 would be bad for his public image, so you can sleep soundly in the knowledge that he won’t be launching the nukes anytime soon. Instead, he’ll use America’s economic leverage to reshape the world into a chaotic dog-eat-dog capitalist nightmare, which might actually be worse than chilling out toasting rats in an irradiated wasteland.
His wife clearly despises him
It’s easy to be jealous of Trump. He’s rich, has his own skyscraper, and is the most powerful man in the Western world. But even he doesn’t have it all. Melania clearly hates being on the same hemisphere as her husband, meaning that the cosmic gift of love is the one thing he will forever be without. You’re a lot like the president in that respect.
His political movement is him and him alone
It would be easy to think that Trump has ushered in a depressing new world order, but that isn’t the case. MAGA is a cult of personality propped up by inept sycophants that will come crumbling down when Trump inevitably dies in a hopefully not-too-quick fashion. Hang in there and you’ll live to see a spectacular right-wing implosion in a few year’s time.
His soul is most certainly doomed
Trump may be doing well for himself in the material world, but in a spiritual sense he is utterly f**ked. If Hell actually exists it’s game over, and if we’ve all got some karmic New Agey consciousness thing that lives on he’s most definitely facing an eternity of psychic despair on the astral planes. If you live a good life and don’t come back as a worm, you’ll have a front row seat for his never-ending torment. Smashing.
