IT appears Kanye West has inexplicably been dumped by Bianca Censori. But what more can a near-perfect partner like Ye do to win her back? Here are some ideas that might just work.
Let her wear clothes
Women like clothes, not just for fashion but also for public decency and not getting hypothermia. And Bianca is probably so used to being naked by now that any item of clothing will be an amazing treat: ‘Omigod! A grey £8.50 Amazon Essentials sweatshirt? This is the best Christmas EVER!’
Take your meds
Nothing says ‘consideration for your partner’ like remembering to take the pills that stop you going off on unhinged rants about black people being the true Jewish race, ‘demonic’ Covid jabs and your enemies planting ‘fake children’ in your home to manipulate your own kids. And if you’re planning a weekend break, try Rome or the Cotswolds rather than Crazyville.
Stop idolising Hitler
Kanye is right that there were ‘good things about Hitler’. He liked dogs and ordered the construction of autobahns. However the key to truly understanding Hitler is to look beyond these two positive traits and find out about other stuff he was into, such as industrialised genocide. Obviously it’s not easy finding out about such an obscure historical figure, but there’s a ‘hack’ you can use. It’s called WATCHING ANY F**KING DOCUMENTARY ABOUT HITLER.
Read at least one book
Kanye claims to never have read a book. But women are impressed by smart guys who know about literature – Ian McEwan freely admits he only does it for the fanny. So now is the perfect time for Ye to get into reading. Ulysses is probably as good a book as any to start with.
Huff nitrous oxide responsibly
No woman wants to be with a drunk who’s always embarrassing her at social events, and the same applies to having a squeaky chipmunk voice all the time due to constantly inhaling nitrous oxide through a surgical mask. So Kanye should definitely cut back on his N2O intake. As with booze, a good tip is to pace yourself – for every cylinder of N2O, have a nice healthy tank of air.
Write nicer lyrics
The lyric ‘How am I antisemitic? I just f**ked a Jewish bitch’ on the track Vultures may offer a clue to winning back Bianca. Women tend not to be into a toxic mix of antisemitism and misogyny, so maybe Kanye needs to write some nicer lyrics? Perhaps like Ed Sheeran’s ‘I’m in love with the shape of you/ We push and pull like a magnet do’? Which is shit, but no one will be offended by it. Except people who like music.
Don’t ask for blowjobs in public
When Kanye and Bianca went on a trip to romantic Venice it was somewhat marred by them being photographed mid-blowjob in a boat. Most ladies aren’t super-keen on performing sex acts in full view of passers-by, so maybe don’t ask them to? Also it’s not very chivalrous; if a true gentleman were that desperate for immediate sexual relief, he would have discreetly put his knob in a Cornetto.
