MANKIND faces its greatest crisis ever – cultural climate change, or ‘wokeness’, which threatens to destroy civilisation as we know it. Here’s what we must do to avert catastrophe.
Cut virtuous emissions from universities
The atmosphere is being polluted by these factories of political correctness. Men of the people like Nigel Farage, Graham Linehan and Daniel Hannan are being stifled. Rupert Murdoch, like Captain Tom, is making a valiant effort but we can’t rely on one brave old man. There’s only one solution – bulldoze all universities except the posh ones Daily Telegraph writers’ children go to.
Stop eating plant-based products
The vegan cult is seeing us burning through plants at an unprecedented rate. This could result in shortages at garden centres and a terrible ‘greenhouse effect’ of our retired readers running out of tomato plants to grow. For Heaven’s sake, eat meat. Every generation wants to leave its mark and ours will be our mighty carbon footprint.
Ban cycling
If God had intended us to cycle everywhere like a bunch of bloody spinsters, he wouldn’t have put fossil fuels in the ground. These lycra menaces need to be squashed like hedgehogs by our readers in their cars. We might start doing free stickers for every confirmed kill, so you can relive the halcyon days of the Battle of Britain in your Audi.
Ban recycling
The bearded Marxists in their tofu sandals want our kitchens to be gulags where we endlessly wash out yoghurt pots. This has to stop. Also it contains the word ‘cycling’. They can’t fool us with their leftie brainwashing, which sounds unhinged but the borderline-Nazi lunatics in the comments section will wholeheartedly agree.
Get rid of this ULEZ nonsense
More mind games, this time signs saying ‘ULEZ’ everywhere. There’s a subliminal message: ‘You, lesbian’. It’s nothing to do with pollution, it’s an attempt to pervert the flower of English womanhood by enticing them toward alternative Sapphic lifestyles. As any ageing. red-blooded male who’s tried chatting up much younger women with witty comments like ‘You don’t get many of them to the pound!’ will attest, a lot of them are lesbians these days.
