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The six days of your life you'll never want to live again

FROM being born to turning 40, life is littered with horrible experiences. Here are six you’ll be glad you only have to suffer once:

The first day at school

Up until now your fledgling existence has consisted of being doted on by your mum and watching telly. Not any more. Out of the blue you’ve been abandoned with a bunch of strangers determined to make you learn things. The worst part is when they break it to you that you’re stuck in this living hell by law until you’re at least 16.

Finding out Father Christmas isn’t real

Christmas has been the most magical experience ever but now you’re seven and the secret’s out: it’s all a load of bollocks. No mystical bearded benefactor in a red coat, no Rudolph, just some shite about celebrating a random baby boy being born two thousand-odd years ago. And what else have they lied to you about? The trust is gone and Christmas is f**ked.

The ‘birds and the bees’ talk

Mum and Dad have sat you down to tell you the ‘facts of life’. What follows fills 12-year-old you with grim embarrassment and hideous shock in equal measure. You stick it where? Push it in and out a bit and then a baby comes out? This has to be bullshit. Not only is it weapons-grade gross, but it seems it’s practically compulsory when you’re grown up.

Losing your virginity

You’ve been building up to this for ages and you’re convinced it’ll be the most incredible transition into adulthood. Not a chance. There’s some ham-fisted fumbling, apologies for not being able to get it in right and then your big moment is over in a flash. The earth didn’t move and you get dressed in mortified silence, before never seeing each other again.

Your first day at work

Oh, this will be brilliant, you think, earning your own money, being independent. You hadn’t banked on the fact your boss is an utter arsehole and you’re surrounded by irritating sycophants who seem to think you’ve been put there purely to make them endless cups of tea. And when you finally get paid you realise how much tax the bastards have fleeced you out of. Welcome to the rest of your shitty life.

Turning 40

You knew you were young in your 20s, and you were still convinced you were in the prime of life in your 30s. Now you’ve hit the big 40 and there’s no getting around the fact it’s a steady downhill ride to the grave. You’ll never be a professional footballer or rock star and there’s years still to go on your mortgage. You had huge aspirations up until now, but as you blow those candles out the last vestige of hope for your future is extinguished with them.

'California University 1966' and other random shit written on T-shirts

IF you’re trying to buy a plain t-shirt from the shops these days, you’re f**ked. Here’s the type of bizarre nonsense that seems to be emblazoned across all of them:

‘California University 1966’

‘College-branded shirts are cool’, some Asos exec must have thought about ten years ago before completely flooding the market with them. Unfortunately there isn’t much appetite for shirts from your real alma mater of Wolverhampton, so you have to wear one emblazoned with the logo of a made up American college that doesn’t quite sound convincing.

Random French phrases

French is a classy language spoken by classy people, so clothing brands have decided that you can put anything through Google Translate and it’ll be considered fashion-forward. A warning not to actually wear one in France, though, where you’ll inevitably get weird looks for wearing a t-shirt that translates into a nonsense phrase like ‘My house is a beach’.

Asian characters

Like things even more mysterious? It’s unlikely that anyone in your local Sainsbury’s speaks even rudimentary Japanese, so you can get away with your Superdry hoodie that reads something along the lines of ‘Hokkaido Waste Management Facility’.

Meaningless political statement

The fact that the world is going to hell in a handbasket has even caught the attention of marketing people who are using it to make a bit more cash as everything burns. Buying a t-shirt that says something like ‘THINK while it’s still LEGAL’ on it makes you feel like you have incisive opinions about the evils of late-stage capitalism, even as you fill your basket with tat at Primark.

‘STAY HAPPY!’

If you’ve got a cushion at home with ‘Live, laugh, love’ written on it, then you aren’t going to be shy about donning a t-shirt with an aggressively cheerful slogan written in capital letters across the chest. The irony is that you’re probably a miserable bastard yourself, and have chosen this shirt in a desperate attempt to seem like you have a pleasant personality.

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