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The Shard now growing independently

LONDON’S Shard building has grown two new floors without anyone having worked on it.

Almost like a rigid tentacle

It began the Christmas break as a 87-storey skyscraper and, without human intervention, mysteriously ended it with 89 storeys and a subterranean restaurant.

Building manager Norman Steele said: “The two new floors have desks extruded from the floor composed of an unidentifiable element which may cause mutation, so we’re using them as call centres.

“Apart from the carpet which sort of sticks to your feet, almost as if it’s biting them with millions of tiny glass teeth, it all seems fine.”

The Mayor of London said: “There is some concern about the way staff now enter and leave in rigid formation, communicating by only pheromones, and Transport for London would like to know which lines the newly-created self-labelled SHARD UNTER GRUND station will connect to.

“But ultimately who cares if aliens are using our city as an incubation chamber if businesses get free real estate?

“Whatever happens, it can’t destroy more than the hedge fund on the 15th floor already has.”

Non-alcoholics enjoying pretend battle with drink

‘TAKING a month off’ is allowing moderate drinkers to experience a thrilling pretend struggle with alcohol, it has emerged.

Having a drink-free January is enabling thousands of sensible drinkers to ‘beat’ alcohol without the trauma of three-day benders, delirium tremens or drinking Frosty Jack’s for breakfast.

Salesman Roy Hobbs said: “It’s going to be tough, but with the support of my family and friends I think I can break my three glasses of wine a week habit.

“The hardest thing is seeing other people drinking and hating them for it, because you want the blissful oblivion you can only get from a small glass of red with your Sunday lunch.

“I can’t succumb though, because one drink leads to another and before you know it you’re putting the Pinot Grigio back in the fridge with almost a third of a bottle gone.”

Moderate drinkers reported withdrawal symptoms including fancying a glass of champagne at weddings and being slightly more bored than usual in the pub.

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I decided to get through January without a drink by joining Alcoholics Anonymous, although I did detect some hostility at my first meeting.

“Still, it’s only a few more weeks then I can go nuts and drink as much as I want within NHS guidelines.”

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