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The middle class guide to melodramatically wondering if you're going to survive the crisis

ARE you too affluent to be genuinely worried about energy costs, but want to join in the drama? Here middle class mum Charlotte Phelps explains how to pretend to worry.

Make a fuss about not putting the heating on

The news is full of people saying they won’t be putting the heating on this winter, so I’m going to do the same. Well, at least not until the end of September. And the underfloor heating in the bathrooms must stay on, of course. It’s a lifesaver.

Insist everyone wears extra layers

‘Heat the person, not the home!’ I’ll cry dramatically, before carting the whole family off to John Lewis to buy nice, thick cashmere sweaters. Ooh, maybe we’ll get matching ones. That would be a bit of a giggle on this year’s Christmas card.

Switch off lights

Will we be able to afford to keep the lights on this winter? Well, of course the ones in the house, we’ll leave those on willy-nilly. But I’ll do a sad Facebook post about how we’ve been forced to switch off the high-powered spotlight for the oak tree in the back garden. Though of course we’ll be getting out the illuminated life-size Santa Claus for the festive season.

Tape up the dishwasher

Heating water costs a fortune, and then it’s literally washed down the drain. All washing up this year will be done by hand, even after we’ve had 16 friends round for dinner and we’ve used new plates for all five courses. I must remember to tell our cleaner.

Shop somewhere cheaper

‘We can’t afford to buy all our food at the farmer’s market and the local organic heath food shop anymore,’ I’ll tell my friends weepily. ‘We’ve been forced to go back to Waitrose.’ They’ll think I’m terribly brave, and hopefully that bitch Francesca won’t go one better by deciding to slum it in Sainsbury’s.

Niche sports that got their 15 minutes of glory in Hollywood

THERE are only so many movies about boxing the public can endure. This is why Hollywood has resorted to making whole films about these niche sports.

Arm wrestling – Over The Top (1987)

A film seemingly created by a Hollywood executive throwing a dart at a board of A-list actors, and another dart at a board of random sports. There’s no other way to explain away a film where Sylvester Stallone plays a truck driver competing in the World Arm-Wrestling Championship. At least everyone was spared a film about bog snorkelling starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

NASCAR – Days of Thunder (1990)

Although wildly popular among US rednecks, NASCAR is a niche sport in the UK. If Brits want to watch overpaid drivers endlessly race around dull tracks, they’ll stick on F1 and pretend to enjoy it. This blockbuster dud only has a 38 per cent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, so at least it’s more entertaining than watching Lewis Hamilton.

Ice hockey – The Mighty Ducks (1992)

Another popular North American sport that has a following of f**k all in the UK, which is odd because the ensuing violence would be well received. Audiences in this country were disappointed to find the film was about Emilio Estevez coaching a group of young hockey players, and not genetically enhanced ducks going on a rampage as its name suggests.

Bobsleigh – Cool Runnings (1993)

The cult classic beloved by every white undergraduate with dreadlocks, Cool Runnings tells the story of the Jamaican bobsleigh team who competed at the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics. And just like the real Winter Olympics, this film is less entertaining than you remember it being and you’ll never sit through the whole thing.

Chess – The Queen’s Gambit (2020)

No, this Netflix series isn’t technically a film, but chess shouldn’t be recognised as a sport because you were never forced to change into your PE kit to play it. Only wildly popular because people had bugger all else to do due to Covid, The Queen’s Gambit made a whole generation try the game before saying ‘f**k this’ after five minutes of tedious play.

Baseball – Field of Dreams (1989)

Baseball is rounders for Americans who have not grown up and moved onto a proper adult sport like football or dog racing. This could be why Field of Dreams has failed to leave a lasting cultural impact in the UK, although Kevin Costner’s annoying-to-look-at face must surely shoulder some of the blame as well.

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