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The Mash guide to the must-have toys this Christmas

CHRISTMAS is coming and capitalism demands tribute, so it’s time for parents to dig deep and queue for eight hours for this year’s must-have toys. 

Obligatory Disney Doll

This doll from a Disney film reinforces unattainable standards of female beauty, has three different outfits but is often dragged around the house by its hair unsettlingly nude, and requires parents to sing along with 15 seconds of empowering hit Girls Can Be Wizards Too or it will cry.

Little Green Families Eco-Friendly Sustainable Playset 

Aimed at the worst type of Guardian reader, this playset consists of wooden dolls living in a sustainable recycling community with composting toilets. Comes with carbon-neutral locally-sourced small creative business. Costs £200, because these people will pay anything.

Star Wars: the Disney Plus show toys

New figures and vehicles from the latest instalment in the Star Wars saga will see dads enthralled for hours creating their own thrilling stories with whichever minor character has their own show now while their grateful children get some uninterrupted time on the tablet.

Surprise! You’ve Been Ripped Off!

Popular ‘surprise’ toy offers 50 individual gifts in a single package, with the slight drawback that they are all shit. Ideal for six-year-old girls who want eight skin-disfiguring bath bombs, a flashing keyring and 20 badly moulded Warhammer rip-off figures.

Nerf M18 Claymore Directional Anti-Personnel Mine

A replica of the Vietnam war favourite in blue and orange plastic, this remotely-detonated mine fires hundreds of high-velocity foam balls at unsuspecting victims. Guaranteed to make grandparents say “It could have an eye out.”

Horrible Slowly-Hatching Thing

No Christmas would be complete without some furry mechanical horror that claws its way out of an egg. Currently most popular is the £79.95 Super Baby Breedimal that ejects edible babies from its anus.

Noveltoids

Green furry spheres made from cheap nylon with eyes stuck on. Punted out by a cynical Chinese toymaker on the off-chance they might catch on. Retailing at £12.99 each in theory and £50 on eBay. The only thing children who still believe in Father Christmas will ask for, so pay up.

British Cabinet grips fans by killing off a character every week

NEW streaming series The British Cabinet is picking up millions of fans who enjoy television that is not afraid to kill characters off. 

The deaths of Michael Fallon and Priti Patel on consecutive Wednesday nights has created a real buzz about the UK cabinet, which is available on Netflix in the US.

Wayne Hayes of Madison, Wisconsin, said: “I’m telling all my friends about it. It’s like The Walking Dead but more bloodthirsty.

“There’s all these backstabbing characters on an impossible mission to find something called the Brexit which will apparently heal their ruined world, if it even exists.

“But they’re being attacked from every side, none of them trust each other, the leader’s falling to pieces and there’s a real mounting sense of dread because any of them could die at any moment.

“After last week you were like, shook, because they killed off that Fallon dude, so you thought nothing would happen this week but the tension just built and built and damn, they went there. Minor character but still.

“Can’t wait to see who it is next week. Nobody’s safe.”

Hayes added: “It is a bit ridiculous that Boris is always in the most dangerous situations and gets away unscathed. But, y’know, you have to suspend your disbelief.”

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