LESS than half of people in Britain now identify as Christian. Here red-faced Brexiter Roy Hobbs explains how to cope with being a minority when you normally hate them.
Pretend you’ve always been religious
Britain is a Christian country. Woke types pretend Jesus was a Jew who lived in the Middle East, but things were always getting translated wrongly in the olden days. ‘Jesus of Nazareth’ was probably ‘Jesus of Norwich’. Like all real Britons, I’m passionate about Christianity. It’s just that Sunday is a bad time for church because it clashes with going to B&Q.
Claim it’s all Muslims’ fault
If people aren’t Christians, then some other religion must be taking over. I can’t imagine who, but maybe it’s Muslims. The mosques on the telly always look busy, so that confirms it. What do you mean the census says Muslims have only increased by 1.7 per cent? That’s not many, especially once you deduct all the suicide bombers. Who else can I blame?
Get even angrier with lefty liberal atheists
The other lot destroying this once-great country are lefty liberals who call themselves atheists to sound clever. They’ve literally made me a minority in my own country, but I don’t see atheists sending a diversity officer round to give me a free flat. Also how do they know God doesn’t exist? Been to every bit of outer space to check he’s not there, have they? Idiots.
Under no circumstances feel any empathy
You’d think that as a minority I might be able to put myself in the shoes of other races or the LGBTQ community. But if I started not hating all the mad mullahs and gender benders I couldn’t enjoy being angry all the time. I’m all for ‘love thy neighbour’, but in the sitcom sense, ie. having a good laugh at anyone who isn’t white.
Still never go to church
Does this mean I’ll start going to church? Let’s face it, listening to some bloke – or, worse, some hysterical woman – droning on about casting the first stone is boring when you could be ranting about the latest attack on us white Christians in the Mail on Sunday. I’ll go for weddings, funerals and Christmas, and only then if I’m guaranteed a free mince pie or a sausage roll.
