WITHOUT any news to report because everyone is at home gorging on ham and Baileys, these overactive pricks leap at their chance to make the BBC bulletin: 

Runners

As you neck your third prosecco of the day, someone’s out doing 5K in a park like it’s any ordinary morning. They might even be doing it for charity, just to rub it in. Well, there’s no greater endorphin rush than eating an entire tub of Celebrations before lunch. If you’d got sponsorship for that Cancer Research would be laughing.

Cold water swimmers

Every year idiots in Santa hats plunge into the grey British sea and return to shore with the startling news that it’s f**king freezing. You watch one shiver through an interview, his skin shading through mauves and violets. This is the high point for him. The rest of the day is spent wrapped in blankets waiting for his testes to descend.

Hotel Christmas dinners

Why? Because hotels will let an outside broadcast team in as advertising, and cameramen will go along to get free food. Meanwhile the guests preen themselves for having the foresight to avoid making Christmas dinner. We all know that sucks but it’s one of life’s unavoidable aggravations, like Brexit or climate change. F**k these visionary pricks.

A probably-bollocks scientific breakthrough

The interim Christmas-New Year period is a great one for scientists who might have discovered something but probably haven’t. Rush your press release to broadsheet editors desperate for a front page, and suddenly everyone’s waking up to ‘Time travel experiment succeeds’ before actual scientists have answered the phone to discredit it.

Boxing Day bargain-hunters

Having gone a whole day without actively participating in rampant consumerism, dickheads rush out to save 15 per cent on hair straighteners and cameras film them. Why these people aren’t in bed with hangovers is inexplicable. They should not be celebrated but castigated for Doing Christmas Wrong.

Newborn babies

To be fair it’s hardly their fault, and all their parents are guilty of is a badly-timed shag. But, Christ aside, there’s nothing special about being born on Christmas Day. These poor kids are getting ‘this is for your birthday and Christmas’ for the rest of their hapless lives.