FOOD bills are rising thanks to the Tories’ poor management of the economy. So naturally the Daily Mail feels it’s your responsibility to eat more cheaply. Here are their helpful tips.
Go veggie
Worried everything costs more and you’re barely getting by? You can save a fortune by cutting out meat. A balanced meal of a carrot dipped in ketchup costs as little as 1p – and with the savings you can treat yourself to a luxurious half-hour of having the heating on.
Don’t buy expensive baked goods
Remember how the government set the economy back years with austerity? Well don’t. Occupy your mind by baking a stupid amount of stuff, say 50 flavourless cheese scones. You’ll soon be just like a professional baker, ie. sweaty and f**ked off from endlessly kneading dough, with asbestos-like hands from all the burns.
Buy cheaper cuts of meat
Haven’t had a pay rise for seven years at least? Cheaper cuts of meat can be just as tasty and interestingly gristly. Your kids won’t ever want to go to McDonald’s again once they’ve tried your liver in a bun with boiled turnip ‘fries’. And they’ll love your homemade Kidney McNuggets.
Cook in terrifyingly large batches
A great way to budget and you’ll always have meals in the freezer – which you’ll need when things really go tits-up with Brexit. Cook great vats of spag bol using the cheapest, most watery tinned tomatoes and live off it day after day until your kids are begging you for boiled broccoli just for some sort of variety.
Look for bargains
Head to the supermarket at a strange hour every day and demean yourself waiting for crap bargains to be put on the shelf, eg. a dried-out Battenberg cake for 11p. It’s a massive waste of your time but you’ve got plenty now you’re unemployed.
Choose inflation-beating foods
Inflation may be at a 30-year high but beetles, frogs and dead birds are the same ‘price’ whatever the state of the economy. Seagulls that eat rubbish from bins are only mildly toxic, and everyone will be impressed by your ‘supersize spicy wings’.
