subscribe
/ Sign Out

So we meet again, Southern tells commuters

SOUTHERN trains has admitted its passengers are ‘resilient bastards’ who do not know when they are beaten.

Thousands of commuters shrugged off yesterday’s vicious pummeling by the train company and turned up at their local stations this morning, bloodied but unbowed, hoping to somehow get to work.

Southern chief executive, Charles Augustus Milverton, said: “So we meet again.

“I have to hand it to you, you’ve got guts. There are even times when I wonder what it would be like if we were on the same side.

“But then I remember how sentimental you are about each other. Your humanity is your weakness.”

Milverton added: “You do know you can’t win. Even if you all join together I will still defeat you because I control the trains and the trains are life.

“All I have to do is press this shiny red button and your world falls apart.

“But let’s play our game for a little longer, shall we? I do find it rather stimulating.”

The Mash guide to the Miliband stumble

WHEN Ed Miliband stumbled on his dismount from the Question Time podium last night, he threw away Labour’s election hopes. Here’s why:

‘Tripping’ is hippy slang for being high on LSD which makes users think they can fly. Experts believe Miliband, dosed up on LSD, thought he could effortlessly levitate down from the podium.

Miliband’s oversized eyeballs, which detect light well beyond the human visual spectrum and mean he sees people much as the Predator does, adversely affect his depth perception and caused him to miss the step.

The Labour leader is thought to have shattered both of his weak, intellectual North London ankles in the fall and will complete the election campaign on a mobility scooter, repelling floating voters.

Electorates have traditionally mistrusted clumsy leaders. Neville Chamberlain tumbled down an airplane’s steps in 1938 on his return from meeting Hitler in Munich. Concerned crowds gathered at 10 Downing Street, where Chamberlain then fell from an upstairs window. Within a year Britain was at war.

The Queen requires all prospective prime ministers to run a short obstacle course in the grounds of Windsor Castle before asking them to form a government, a test Miliband could never pass.

David Cameron has responded with a short film of himself walking over stony ground while reading a book, Nicola Sturgeon is out meeting voters on a balance beam, and Nick Clegg will walk a wire suspended between the chimneys of Battersea Power Station.

Next story ›