Six things women will always be better at than men

THERE’S no escaping it – women are just better at some things. Here are six prime examples of activities men cannot even begin to compete at.

Wrapping presents

Women wrap presents of any size and shape with ease, whereas men with their giant paws and slow brains turn even a small rectangular gift into a scruffy bundle of paper and sellotape. Women even add fancy extraneous garnishes like bows and strips of curly, glittery ribbon, the f**king show-offs.

Winning arguments

So obvious it’s hardly worth mentioning. Even if a man gets the upper hand briefly, she’ll throw in a cunning curveball from months ago, like you allegedly ‘flirting’ by talking to her best friend down the pub. You’ll never win, but it’s your own fault for being wrong about everything.

Budgeting

Women have a mathematical mind on a par with Albert Einstein or Archimedes when it comes to your finances, understanding difficult concepts like ‘how much money you have’ and ‘you do not need a giant Lego Death Star’. Best to turn over your income to your partner and let her give you weekly pocket money like the financially irresponsible infant you really are.

Remembering important dates

How the f**king hell do women remember not only key events like anniversaries but also pointless relatives’ birthdays? Men can just about remember what year the kids were born but not something obscure like what day they got married, so there’s only one explanation: witchcraft.

Planning a holiday

She will research whether your hotel has a pool and compare flight prices to secure the best deal months in advance, then pack toiletries, sunscreen and dodgy tummy medicines a week ahead. He will ask if the place has a bar then later marvel at how how things like toothpaste got on a plane and magically followed you there.

Riding a racehorse

Men were best at this for years, but then women decided to have a go at it, and Rachael Blackmore won the 2021 Grand National. This last bastion of male superiority has now crumbled to dust. Which women will have to clear away, because men are crap at dusting.

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I'm not a racist, so why am I being weird about Derek Chauvin's conviction?

By Roy Hobbs

I’M not a racist, but I feel a strange need to try to undermine Derek Chauvin’s conviction for something he clearly did. Did I mention I’m not a racist, by the way?

Now that I’ve established how racist I am not, let’s look at the facts of the case. Derek Chauvin was reaching out to the black community and saying ‘I don’t just arrest white criminals, I will forcibly restrain you too’. To me that’s diversity in action.

Then, purely by accident, Chauvin killed someone. This was utterly wrong, obviously, but everyone makes mistakes. I’m not saying it’s on the same level, but I almost ran over my neighbour’s cat when I was reversing out of the drive. Does that make me an attempted murderer? No.

Why, Roy, you might ask, are you so interested in defending Derek Chauvin when you live in a small village in Worcestershire and have no understanding of decades of racial tension in the United States?

That’s simple: I have a natural sense of justice, whether you’re black, white, yellow or purple. Which once again establishes my non-racist credentials, just so long as they don’t move in around here.

Now a hard-working police officer is facing life in prison on the flimsiest of evidence. Can we really be sure that the whole thing wasn’t a false flag operation by a BLM activist wearing a ‘whitey’ mask? I can’t say for certain; I don’t have all the facts.

All we really know about this tragic incident is that I’m definitely not a racist. I think Daley Thompson did a smashing job at the Olympics, so case closed.

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