AS a man, do you feel you should be an ‘alpha male’? Here are some of the pathetic and unrealistic things you’re probably secretly worried about.
You’re not a big swinging dick
You should be in charge of a corporate office full of minions. They would respect your brilliant and ruthless management skills, like Big in Sex and the City. In reality, your most impressive career achievement is knowing how to use Microsoft Excel, for which you are paid 22K.
You might be shit at sex
Your partner is probably not hugely disappointed by your performance, but you never have those Hollywood-style mind-blowing simultaneous orgasms. Basically, you’re sexually inadequate because you’re not Kyle MacLachlan in Showgirls. Your partner might well leave you to have normal sex like that.
You have never fought in a war
Nothing proves your manhood like killing people, even if it’s not particularly necessary. However, you’ve never even fired a gun. Having a go with an air rifle at a local fair doesn’t count.
You don’t own a sports car
A certain type of successful guy always has a sports car of some description, but you don’t. Unless you buy a Porsche or an MG Midget pronto, you have failed as a man and may as well begin transition surgery.
You are not a builder
Or an electrician or plumber. These salt-of-the-earth tradesmen are the true spirit of maleness. Whatever you have achieved in life, be it academic success or happy, well-adjusted children, it all pales in comparison to confidently replacing a rubber washer on a tap.
You are not an ‘alpha male’
It’s unclear what this means, but it’s something to do with being macho. Try hunting a deer and eviscerating it in the bath. Your partner will love your forever for this.
