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Public warned not to acknowledge festival wristbands

PEOPLE wearing expired festival wristbands are a limitless source of tiresome drug anecdotes, it has been claimed.

The general public has been warned against mentioning the wristbands to their wearers, who are constantly ready with monologues that are ostensibly about music and drugs but really just about how amazing they are.

A police spokesman said: “‘Banders’ will pretend to have forgotten to remove their festival passes because they are free spirits who live in the moment and are too spontaneous to own a pair of scissors.

“Clearly this is bullshit. They’re itching to tell you about some beautiful experience in the healing field that changed them in ways you, a hapless slave of the system, can barely begin to comprehend.

“They deserve to be hit with a stick.”

28-year-old bander Tom Logan said: “Oh, this Glastonbury 2014 VIP Access All Areas wristband in limited edition cerise? I forgot I even had it on.

“But since you ask I had the most beautiful Glasto experience where I took some acid, thought it hadn’t worked then woke up in my yurt at 6am tripping my tits off.

“I walked up a hill where there was a robot sculpture made of old cars and sat watching the clouds. But they weren’t normal clouds, they were deep clouds.

“Then a girl wearing fairy wings gave me some of her Orangina and we went to see some bands.”

The police spokesman said: “Also be wary of people wearing a ‘festival crew’ t-shirt in the pub or anyone driving a van that has a ‘Crew Parking Shambala 2009’ sticker on the windscreen.

“It’s probable they will be fake hippies, but genuine dickheads.”

Fuleco kidnapped by former World Cup mascots

THE 2014 World Cup mascot is being held for ransom by former mascots Pique the jalapeno and Gauchito.

Pique and Gauchito, mascots of the 1986 Cup in Mexico and 1978 in Argentina respectively, were filmed bundling armadillo Fuleco into an unmarked van before driving away.

Pique, who still wears his trademark sombrero, moved into the export industry after 1986 and built a small business into the feared Los Huachinangos, one of Mexico’s most powerful cocaine cartels.

Gauchito rebelled against the military junta ruling Argentina in 1976 and retreated into the Andes, from where he has fought a guerrila war for socialism ever since.

The pair, both bitter about being forgotten by their countries, have demanded $100,000,000 for the armadillo’s safe return, accompanied by video of him denouncing his corporate paymasters Coca-Cola while nervously glancing off-camera.

Fuleco is not the first World Cup mascot to be kidnapped. Naranjito the orange vanished two years after the World Cup in Spain in 1982, with rumours that the segments of his body that weren’t posted to government officials are in the foundations of a Costa del Sol hotel.

And World Cup Willy, England’s mascot in 1966, famously faked his own kidnapping with the aid of canine accomplice Pickles in an attempt to extort £100,000 from the Queen.

Dilma Rousseff, President of Brazil, said: “We have already lost Neymar. Beginning our semi-final with Fuleco’s head on a pole in the centre-circle would fatally damage team morale.”

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