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Pub with two extra beers apparently having a festival

A LOCAL pub is apparently staging a beer festival by bringing in two additional ales.

The Queen Victoria Inn announced the ‘Vic Beer Fest’ with a banner on its garden fence and posters showing royalty-free images of tankards taken from the internet.

Patron Wayne Hayes said: “I must admit I thought there might be a bit more to it than this.

“The so-called festival beers are called Otter’s Reach and Amber Dawn. Otter’s Reach is a bit paler, or maybe it’s the other way around.”

The pub has averaged thirteen punters a night during the week-long festival, with revellers keen to sample the slightly different ales.

Landlord Julian Cook said: “We were going to have a ska band on Saturday, the climactic day of the beer festival, but they cancelled because their van is broken.

“Tomorrow night is going to be a big one though, there’s free bar snacks before 6.30pm.

“It’s a big pork pie cut into chunks, just on the cusp of being out-of-date but totally fine.”

Dear Holly: I've got an uncontrollable hatred of badgers

Dear Holly,

I’ve got an uncontrollably deep hatred of badgers. I don’t know why, but something about those furry woodland bastards really rubs me up the wrong way. Maybe it’s the sight of their angry weasel faces peaking out of shrubbery or their incessant digging or the fact they’re all called Brock; whatever it is I want them all to die a long and painful death and then be made into a fabulous winter shrug for me to wear at Balmoral. Basically, this badger-hatred is consuming me and I can no longer keep a lid on it. Can you assist before I do something I regret?

Yours ever

Charles

Highgrove

Dear Charles,

It sounds like you are a perfect candidate for looking after our class guinea pig, Winston Pettigrew. He’s called that after our teacher’s first love, who was from Nuneaton and who was possibly also a small rodent, we’re not sure. Winston Pettigrew is really horrible. He does tiny poos all over your school jumper and he often attacks people and once he nearly bit off the nose of a little girl called Abigail who tried to plait his hair. Don’t worry though, our teacher saved Winston from being destroyed by convincing the authorities that she would rehabilitate him and use him for animal therapy. Now, whenever someone misbehaves in class they get threatened with the guinea pig, because being attacked by a small animal is apparently a highly formative experience.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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