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Plaque installed on park bench to commemorate local man's first blowjob

A PARK bench has been recognised with a formal plaque as the place where a man first experienced fellatio.

The bench, on a hill in Newport’s Belle Vue Park, now has a plaque reading ‘ON THIS BENCH IN 1999 STEPHEN MALLEY FIRST EXPERIENCED ORAL INTERCOURSE’, and it is hoped many will sit there and think of it.

Malley said: “I just didn’t want it to go unrecognised. And this way, I feel it will pass on the joy I felt to so many.

“Many’s the time I’ve sat here, remembering that unexpected moment when the girlfriend I’d thought was going to dump me put down her bottle of Mad Dog, pinched her Hubba Bubba with balance and poise between her thumb and forefinger and gave me that gift.

“Loads of park benches are dedicated to some old crock, but this one was bereft of a tastefully engraved metal plate even though it’s so special to me. It’s a wonderful moment to reflect on as you contemplate the vista, perhaps at sunset.

“Really it’s a celebration of life. And the young people have taken to it, adding so many messages like ‘JENNY LUVS COK’ by their own phone numbers in Sharpie.”

Misleadingly labelled Boots meal deal claims another victim

THE ambiguous labelling on Boots meal deal shelving has caused yet another customer to overpay for his lunch, it has emerged. 

Shopper Tom Logan was lured in by the retailer’s promise of discounted sandwiches, snacks and drinks, only to realise he had been tricked out of £7.14 when scanning his items through the self-checkout.

He said: “It’s telling me the Innocent Super Smoothie isn’t part of the deal, even though it’s got a similar label to all the things that are. What the f**k?

“Why would Boots hurt shoppers when they’re at their most vulnerable and hungry by bamboozling them like this? It’s almost as if they’re deliberately trying to swindle people out of cash.

“It doesn’t help that everything’s been mixed up by all the other hapless prey to stumble blindly through the automatic doors. There’s no telling if the Organix flapjacks are part of the deal or not, unless I use my eyes and actually read the signage.”

A Boots spokesperson said: “You’re always welcome to void the transaction and go back to pick out something else, but you never will. We’ve got you by the balls.”

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